One Good Reason for Google to Stay in China: Beijing's World Chocolate Wonderland Theme Park

Communist dictatorship has never looked so delicious! I just wanna take every one of them terracotta warriors, dip 'em in a big ole glass a whole milk, and then eat 'em.

Apparently this theme park, which opens on January 29, also has chocolate versions of the Great Wall, luxury bags, and sports cars, so you can get some exercise, be fashionable, and be a douchebag while enjoying your chocolate. Also on hand is a chocolate toilet you can hurl into to make room for the giant, five-story chocolate Mao Zedong heads.

---------

Everything this woman is wearing is made of chocolate, except for the nipples.
----------

When does NYC get one of these? I wanna eat a big chocolate Pauly D.

Trucks Will Save Our Democracy

With all the Democratic hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing over Republican pin-up Scott Brown’s win in the Massachusetts Senate race, I think we have lost sight of something incredibly important for our democracy that Brown’s victory brings to American politics: he drives a truck. This cannot be overemphasized. Indeed, these were the first words out of his mouth in his campaign commercials, because he is wise and knows that the electorate is reductive and desperate: “My name is Scott Brown and I drive a truck.” You’re hired!

I mean, he drives a truck, you guys. Martha Coakley doesn’t. That’s just a fact, elitists. (Sure, it's the least of her sins, but whatever, she obviously isn't ready for higher office like Sarah Palin is.) Imagine the damage she could do in Washington with her single engine car. She’s probably never even popped a hood. And if she did, she'd probably try to use a curling iron! Scott Brown has no doubt popped dozens of hoods. Dozens of hot, young, tight hoods. (His daughters probably have, too.)

Yes, it’s amazing our nation’s capital has survived as long as it has without more GM truck drivers at the controls. They are inherently qualified, just like my brother is, to run the country. (I was once just as qualified, but only to be prime minister of Japan--I drove a red Nissan pickup during the 90s.) Luckily we are blessed with politicians and a voting public who understand which issues really matter during these times when our public morale, infrastructure, trust in governmental competence, and individual sense of entitlement are under constant siege. On top of that list of issues? Trucks!

Number 2 is Truck Nutz, obvs.

Anals Annals of Pour Copyediting,

Oh my God, I've finally done it for reel, y'aul, and done it real good. While reading the latest collection of words by Malcolm Gladwell in the New Yorker last night between sets of squat thrusts at my gym—an article in which he once again turns conventional wisdom on its head, then concludes by saying "That's right, I said it"—I discovered the Holy Grail of bitter, unrequited authors everywhere: a copyediting error in the New F**king Yorker, ha!

This feet of eagle-eyed apprehension has rarely been accomplished in the history of this magazine, because the tyrants at the New Yorker send anyone on their staff who makes such an error against humanity to Gitmo to be "reeducated" by E. B. White and William Strunk Jr., the stylists behind English grammar/writing bible The Elements of Style. Sure, both men are sadly dead, but they left behind them a powerful series of books on tape. (Twisted Sister provides the "enhanced" incidental music.)

The mangled passage is rendered thusly on page 27 of the January 18, 2010 edition (also click on the above image for the photographic proof):

In 2008, his firm made five billion dollars. Rarely in human history has anyone made so much money is so short a time.

Correction: rarely in human history has there been such a frightful and unseemly mangling of the English language in such an august publication. As Stephen Doocy on Fox and Friends might put it in his powerful falsetto, "This is HUGE!" The sentence should obviously read "in so short a time." (Or "is so short of dimes"? Who knows!)

Did Sarah Palin edit this article?

In conclusion, the New Yorker can no longer be trusted with prepositions and the verb to be.

My (New) Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Stella in Her Chair

Folks, this past Sunday I officially became Mr. Fancy Pants. That's right, I got a smart phone. It's the Verizon HTC Droid phone thing, and it's kinda awesome. As a young space nerd, I always dreamed of one day going shopping for a droid, though in the dream I was always shopping with shirtless Han Solo in a landspeeder. But whatever, I now have a droid of my own and now can just sit back and wait for the imbedded message from Princess Leia to activate when I clean it.

One thing I was concerned about, though, was that if I indeed sold my Swatch watch collection to get a decent phone, the camera would take pictures that were way too high in quality. Because that wouldn't do. Thankfully, as you can see from the above picture of my cat looking like a bored gargoyle, the quality of my camera phone pictures will remain low, hooray!

Because blog consistency is important.

Shootin' It, In Which Jimmy and Tim Discuss the Issues of Our Times. Tonight: The Golden Globes

Jimmy: Wow, Jennifer Aniston looks great.

Tim: You think so? Me too! I'm so glad to hear you say that. You know, she's my best friend in this recurring dream I have.

Jimmy: Yeah, I know that dream.

Tim: I'm surprised. I always took you for an Angelina queen.

Jimmy: Her? God no. She's fucking scary looking.

Tim: Right?! Don't you wish Brad Pitt would dump her for Monique?

Jimmy: Hmmm. Monique wouldn't be my first choice.

Tim: But at least second or third, right? But back to Jennifer. She's totally getting fucked by that dude.

Jimmy: We don't know that.

Tim: That is the look of a woman who is getting fucked and good. She knows she's probably going on the Worst Dressed List in the morning because of that slit in her dress, but she doesn't care because 'fuck all y'all, I'm getting a deep dickin' from Gerard Butler."

Jimmy: Or from Monique.