Monday, April 9

Smug Racist John Derbyshire's Got Me Thinking...

First of all, dear readers, I must apologize for placing a photo of a woefully unattractive old shitsack at the top of this post. It is lamentable! The shitsack in question is John Derbyshire, who, though he sounds like a bit player in a hilarious Jeeves and Wooster romp by PG Wodehouse, is actually a right-wing cartoon character who writes regularly for low-minded newsletter The National Review.

Yes, the horrifying collection of pixels above is of a maladjusted old fart who just hates black people so MUCH. Thankfully the internet gives him ample space to articulate his racial preferences, and last week he decided that he would, for a laugh, perform a stunning riff on a timely topic that has been much discussed and written about in the wake of the shooting death of Trayvon Martin: "The Talk" that black parents have to have with their male children to prepare them for their lives of being on the wrong end of the law/neighborhood watch all day, every day, forever, even if they're just walking down the road during halftime to get some Skittles.

So Derbyshire sets to typing and comes up with a "Talk" of his own, titled "The Talk: Nonblack Version," in which he gives sage advice to his children about how best to treat the entire black population of the country with complete and utter contempt. Amazingly, in the fallout from his screed, TNR fired him, probably for being too overt. (They like their racism subtle, in the style of a Limbaugh or a Drudge.)

But anyway, Jimmy and I were talking about this tonight and Derbyshire's really got us thinking. What if we were parents and had to prepare our children to fear/loathe an entire group of people? What group would we choose? Breeders, obviously!

Jimmy and I will never have children, of course, because we really just prefer cats. But if we did end up with child, "The Talk" we would have with our gay offspring (once they are able to communicate in full sentences/text messages) about the dangers of 97% of the population would probably look something like this:


(1) Many people refer to "heterosexuals" as "straight." The better term is "breeders" because they are always going around having babies all over the place. Beware of them. They might try to get you to babysit while they go out and make more babies.

(2) Of course, Breeders should be treated with respect, just like any other person. But there are certain times when also they shouldn't.

(3) Breeders are statistically in the majority, which is why they have to be watched. They are power mad, and super paranoid about any non-Breeder feelings they might be having. These feelings usually manifest themselves in some dumb bullshit law or other that will restrict your right to marry the person you love. This is one of their favorite things to do, in fact, because they are spastic.

(4) Religious, right-wing breeders, especially, just cannot stop thinking about gay sex. They think about it more than you, just accept it. If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.

(5) Because they are so shifty and capricious, when you must deal with breeders, use statistical common sense:

(5a) Avoid concentrations of breeders not all known to you personally.

(5b) Stay out of neighborhoods that are heavily breedery. (Park Slope, most but not all of Utah)

(5c) If planning a trip to a beach, amusement park, or concert venue at some date, find out whether it is likely to be swamped with breeders on that date. If you do not plan in advance you may find yourself at a megachurch, a tailgating party, a football game, or the Country Music Awards. (They do not sell poppers at such events.)

(5d) Do not attend events likely to draw a lot of breeders, like hot dog eating contests, funerals, Big & Rich concerts, and confirmations.

(5e) Never go to Jamaica.

(5f) If you are at some public event at which the number of breeders suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible. Such events might include a spring break beach party in Daytona, a Rick Warren book signing in Tulsa, or any bar in the Meat Packing District.

(5g) Do not settle in a district or municipality run by breeder politicians. They will never leave their wives for you. Never.

(5h) Before voting for a breeder politician, scrutinize his/her character much more carefully than you would a gay one. Because, really, if a dude sucks dick, he's got your best interests at heart, just vote for him. (Unless he looks like John Derbyshire.)

(5i) Do not act the Good Samaritan to breeders in apparent distress, e.g., on the highway. They will probably just try to sell you some khaki pants out of the trunk of their car.

(5j) If accosted by a strange breeder in the street, like Phyllis Schlafly or Tony Danza, smile and say something polite but keep moving. They just want relationship advice or a free haircut.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

You don’t have to follow my version of the talk point for point; but if you are gay or lesbian or some combination of the two and have kids, you owe it to them to give them some version of the talk. It will save them a lot of time and trouble spent figuring things out for themselves. It may save their social lives.