Announcing the Arrival of Your New Favorite Band That Has a Viola Player In It

Folks, there are tons of bands out there begging for attention from the unwashed masses of folks who want music for free. And everyone's wondering, "Which one of these bands is the next Lady Gaga?" Well, I'm here to tell you, my band simpleshapes is not the next Lady Gaga, but we are pretty close, and here's why: First, we are attention whores. Second, I was wearing a meat dress when my bandmate Taylor saw me playing viola on the NYC subway. Third, why do you need a third? That's two very good reasons.

Anyway, yeah, simpleshapes is the musical outfit that fits your active lifestyle the best. Five out of seven dermatologists agree. Below is a homemade video of one of our songs, "A Heart." There are also a few more tracks at our Reverb Nation page, because why not? The simpleshapes material is the first three. (The other tracks are Taylor's old stuff that we haven't re-recorded yet.) Enjoy them! Also, please "like" us, "become our fan," and "give us blowjobs." This will help our doomed careers.

Why Is This Cheeto Trying to Seduce Me?

You know, I typically like to eat my Cheetos surreptitiously, without the prying eyes of those who would judge me. But how am I supposed to keep things on the downlow when into my hand falls such a suggestive Cheeto? This is primo top-tier grade-A sexual harassment. The inanimate kind, which is the worst. When's the last time you were sexually harassed by a corn-based salty snack? It's been a while, hasn't it?

This is the most unnerving snack-related sexytime since the time a pile of Fritos Scoops gave me that hella painful back rub.

Happy 4th, Paytreeuts!

Hello, illiterate nation, it's your birthday, so have a cupcake, have two! It's been a few years since I've revisited the above video, but the magic is still all up in there, in the cinematography, hair, drama, teeth, clouds, pronunciation, stars, stripes, waves, children, tank top, angels, and much, much more. This is the second most patriotic video ever made (the first is the Todd and Sarah Palin sex tape, which is surely out there; the third is the youtube of Ann Coulter eating a Mexican anchor baby).

Don't forget to sit through the three minutes of credits that start at the halfway mark. Don't you want to know who all you should thank for this? Of course you do. But in case you don't have time, I'll present to you below a short list of those responsible:

To My Family:
Linda
Danger Dog
JR
Puppy
Puppy Jr, Honey, Honey
KIDD
Patchouli
B & W
M & M
Mr. Blago
Honesty
Neighbor
Champ
Jersey
And All Our Loves to Come

But what about 3 Musketeers, Incense, Charity, and Long Island? Don't they deserve some credit for this?

Lessons from the Internet: Fans of Canadian Ice Skaters Are Fragile

The Internet is a wonderful place, full of fascinating people to meet and things to see that you would otherwise have no interest in knowing about. I never realized I needed the sweet embrace of Lolcats, for example, until there they were on my screen, lol-ing. You know one thing that the Internet is also full of? That's right: sensitive, mean idiots off their meds who love to type things twice in a slightly different fashion into their computer machines.

As none of you may recall, back in April I had some fun with a picture of Canadian ice skater Meagan Duhamel elbowing her skating partner in the face, because why not, am I right? Life is boring! Now, months later, some poor fraggle going by the name "unknown" has found this blog entry and is SO PISSED about it. Why? Because Meagan Duhamel is an amazing skater and I can't believe you would make something up about a famous person and put it on the Internet!

So now I'm being encouraged by a random person on earth to get a new job because this one is clearly not working out, due to my being a doorknob. Salient point. Doorknobs can't blog.

Fashion is Important: Men's Summerwear Edition

There's nothing more instructional than a men's summerwear catwalk pose-a-thon. That's why the Men's Fashion Week extravaganza in Milan was the most educational event to take place in the world since Live Aid. It's extremely important for us hot dudes to know what to wear to Brighton Beach, where we go every summer Sunday to do laps in the ice-cold Absolut swimming pool. And I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't be caught dead NOT wearing the above collection of epileptic and ball-hugging pattern explosions. Why? Because stripes are slimming, especially when they're spastically shooting out in every possible direction: they confuse people into thinking you're thin, hooray!

There's a word for this ensemble, but that word is Russian and I don't know how to type/pronounce it. But it really sums things up quite nicely.

In conclusion, in the future all men will look like they were mauled by a gaggle of bitchy gay zebras.