Shootin' It: In Which Tim and Jimmy Get Tawdry

Jimmy: I made up a new sex act today at work.
Tim: What is it?
J: It's called "The Burning Bag."
T: Sounds sexy. What is it?
J: So when you're [REDACTED] and you [REDACTED], you take a [REDACTED] on your partner's stomach.
T: That's disgusting.
J: Yeah, it's kind of a mean sex act.
T: It's not really a "sex act."
J: It is if you're both naked.
T: Anyway, isn't that what's called a "Hot Lunch"?

Thank you!

Why Is This Cheeto Trying to Seduce Me?

You know, I typically like to eat my Cheetos surreptitiously, without the prying eyes of those who would judge me. But how am I supposed to keep things on the downlow when into my hand falls such a suggestive Cheeto? This is primo top-tier grade-A sexual harassment. The inanimate kind, which is the worst. When's the last time you were sexually harassed by a corn-based salty snack? It's been a while, hasn't it?

This is the most unnerving snack-related sexytime since the time a pile of Fritos Scoops gave me that hella painful back rub.

Terrified Squirrel Prays to Almighty God That He Never Has to See the John Edwards/Rielle Hunter Sex Tape

This squirrel has the right idea. These days you never know what you're going to be inadvertently exposed to. Remember "Two Girls One Cup"? I didn't know what I was getting ready to watch because I was so far ahead of the curve! That short filthy film ruined chocolate milkshakes for me forever and I'll never get over that.

So, yes, we should all pray to our loving heavenly Father that we are never ever ever EVER forced to sit and watch a grainy home movie of terrible John Edwards checking his hair in the mirror while going balls deep into oblivion (aka Rielle Hunter's muff).

In Jesus' name we pray,

Amen.