Thursday, December 10

My Cat Stella Apparently Also Slept with Tiger Woods

I wish I could say I'm surprised, but my cat Stella has a reputation around our neighborhood for getting wet 'n wild while we're not at home.

What did shock and sadden me, though, was the vast array of things she let Tiger do to her during their hookups: scratch her under the neck, for example. Kiss her on her wet nose. Cuddle with her in the bed. Squeeze her paws until she rasps. Feed her catnip from his buttcrack. These types of activities that all cat owners have a special and exclusive right to. Are no bonds sacred?!

Baby Jesus, please don't let there be a sex tape.