My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Tacky Marilyn Monroe Statue in Chicago

I recently took a trip to Chicago (my first one ever) and will be posting more hot pics from the trip soon once I stop being so lazy, but I wanted to start with some shots of the big 'n shiny nonsequitur that is this Marilyn Monroe statue that sits on Pioneer Court, a very prominent spot on the city's Magnificent Mile right downtown. What does Marilyn Monroe have to do with Chicago? If you said "nothing," I'm pretty sure you'd be right.

Anyway, this statue has stirred some controversy! Some folks aren't bothered by the statue's tacky irrelevance. Walter Jacobson of CBS2 NEws said, "So we did not get the Olympics, but we have Ms. Monroe, keeping us on top of the outdoor world, and just when we need it, a smile on that mile." Well, he ended with a rhyme, so I'm convinced.

But then there's killjoy Tribune columnist/stone-cold-bummer Mary Scmich, who lamented that the display was "as tawdry as a peepshow." But how can you take this woman seriously when she doesn't even bother to put together a decent rhyme? ("It is cheap and dirty and it ain't even purdy." See how easy it is, Mary?) Plus, do guys even go to peepshows anymore? Don't they just watch them on youtube?

Anyway, it was just a happy coincidence that just as I arrive in Chicago the statue was unveiled. I read about it on the Intertube and immediately hopped on a train to see it because, as you all know, I love big statues. I got the obligatory shots of her underwear and such, but I must say some gentlemen spent an unnecessary amount of time and pixels on the statue's back side. It was gross. Take the dudes smutting up the below family-friendly shot I took:



Or this guy accumulating wank bank material:



Dizgusting. But, okay, I know you want to see what they're seeing, because you are also a 12-year-old boy, so here's a few artistic shots:





And a less interesting one taken from the front:



And in case any of you sweaty adolescents need more wank bank material, here's one with me. You're welcome.

Check Out This Sh*t

My admiration for very large statues is well documented on the pages of this blog. I love them more than sugar mixed with some melted butter and drizzled over pound cake. They are that important to me. So I was very excited when I received a Facebook message from a friend with the subject line "Um... I know you like big statues and all..." and a link to a picture. That told me I was in for a real treat and perhaps a new holiday destination. So I went all clickety click and was taken to a site displaying the above photo of a giant statue of ... Paul Bunyan? In a mall? At a Christmas display? Taking a huge dump?

There are many mysteries in this confusing world of ours. When will Jesus come back to save all the faithful, like Grover Norquist, Miss Piggy, and Beyonce? What happens when Charlie Sheen runs out of hookers and blow? Why do I always feel dumber after watching The Learning Channel? Many many mysteries, puzzles, enigmas wrapped in secrets rolled in cryptograms. All worth solving! But this? This is just. I don't know the word because I just can't stop thinking of the BIG FUCKING TURD STEAMING UP THE CHRISTMAS DISPLAY AT THIS TERRIBLE MALL AND EVERYBODY'S JUST WALKING AROUND LIKE IT'S TOTALLY NOT WEIRD THAT THERE'S CANDY CANES ON ONE SIDE AND A BIG FUCKING TURD ON THE OTHER. (And who shits all big and neat like that?! This sculptor is lying to you, children.) Also, what is he planning on doing with that candy cane?

All I want for Christmas is to never have seen this picture. Is there an app for that yet?

Big Jesus News: Statue Completed in Swiebodzin, Poland

Magnificent news out of Poland, folks. (Wow, when was the last time I typed that?) Construction on a new ginormous Jesus statue is complete and, in terms of sheer size (which is all that matters), it beats the holy flippin' bejezus out of the breathtaking Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio. (Which I still haven't seen.) So the question becomes: when are Jimmy and I booking our flight to Swiebodzin? The answer is: gimme some money, Obama, so I can go to Poland.

The good Swiebodzin people are hoping that this new statue will be a draw for Jesus-loving tourists the world over and a new site for Christian pilgrimage, like Paula Dean's restaurant in Savannah or Sarah Palin's swimmin' hole in Wasilla. And why shouldn't it? This Jesus has a golden crown, bitches, just like in the Bible. (It's the crown that makes this Jesus the largest in the world.) In addition, he's handsome and so, so white--also just like in the Bible. Look at that bone structure.

But the key question now is this: are we allowed to go up and inside the Jesus head? This is important, because if not I'll bring my pogo stick and a little parachute with me.

Touchdown Jesus Gets All Burned :(

You've probably heard the tragic news I got on Monday (or whenever): the famous "Touchdown Jesus" statue in Monroe, Ohio that I'd never heard about before Monday (or whenever) burst into flames over the weekend (or something) and is no more. SeeTimBlog readers who have been with me from the very beginning might recall that I am obsessed with large statues. It was the whole reason that Jimmy and I tried to go to Rio di Janeiro for our tenth anniversary before being diverted to Buenos Aires: I wanted to see the big Jesus statue, Christ the Redeemer. I had no idea there was an awesome Jesus statue just down the road from NYC in Ohio!

(Interesting aside: I wrote about my weird obsession with large statues in my forthcoming book, Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries, which will soon be deployed to plug the hole in the Gulf of Mexico.)

It's very sad that this random thing happened, and it's not at all symbolic, so stop inferring that. Sometimes things just burst into flames, like Ru Paul or Sarah Palin.