My Plan to Destroy Traditional Marriage Almost Complete Mwa Ha Ha

So Jimmy and I twirled on down to the City Clerk's Office here in NYC (kidding; we're too old to twirl) on Monday to finish our paperwork for Ruining Traditional Marriage 4 Ever LOL. (Bumper sticker forthcoming.) We're both very excited about the prospect of demolishing the marriages of Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and Kim Kardashian. (Wait.) After we say our vows and such next Monday in our matching tracksuits we will have completed our master plan, and within minutes, (1) dumb Todd Palin will be sucking the cock of tea party nutbag Joe Miller on the snowy tundra of Alaska while Mitt Romney leans against a snow blower and strokes himself, (2) right-wing wind-up Barbie Gretchen Carlson will mercifully trade that awful helmet hairstyle in for "the Ellen," and (3) Sarah Palin and Fox's Megyn Kelly will check into a Days Inn under cover of night to officially become scissor sisters, yay. (This last relationship, interestingly, will be frantically supported by all remaining straight Republican males for about six minutes every day, while they're alone in their bathrooms.)

Jimmy and I, in short, will not rest until every single human in the United States, even the fugly ones like every single dude at Fox News and all members of any tea party anywhere, are naked, sweaty, and plowing the fields of Godless gay love furiously, feverishly, phonetically, until the entirety of God's country is covered in a glaze of gross santorum and used dildos.

Once our plan is finally complete we will then take our gay agenda directly to the people of this nation. We will go around the country forcing everyone to build floats for the next Gay Pride parade, which is tomorrow, and which will take place every day, in every town, on every street, until the second coming of Freddy Mercury.

In conclusion, very soon almost the entire world will be gay and any remaining straight people will have to migrate to Newt Gingrich's moon colony, the end. Also, we'll be taking over the moon pretty soon.

New Fun Thing: Bangable Dudes in History

Has your Internet been sizzling lately? Well, that's because there's a new blog out there that is piping hot and is coming to teach your children history. It's called Bangable Dudes in History and is a really fun way to while away the hours while also answering important historical questions like "How badly do I want Lincoln would-be assassin Lewis Powell to sit on my face?"

The historically accurate answer to that is "very" but I would also accept "terribly," "incredibly," and "feverishly."

New Fun Thing: Cats Quote Charlie Sheen

Ok, I know that Charlie Sheen memes are popping up like porn stars at a Charlie Sheen open house, but this one is pretty fun. It just feels closer to the truth of what cats think than any other cat captioning has ever gotten, and not just because my cat Stella said to me the other day "You can't process me with a normal brain."

New Fun Thing: Born This Way!

Well, this is certainly the most winning website I've visited in a long time. It is "[a] photo/essay project for gay viewers (male and female) to submit pictures from their childhood (roughly ages 4 to 14), with snapshots that capture them, innocently, showing the beginnings of their innate gay selves."

Laurie, can you take the day off and go over to Mom's house and start flipping through the scrapbooks? Shouldn't take you long to find a good one.

Thanks.

New Fun Thing: glennbeckwarned.us

Folks, are you deathly afraid of what's happening in this country because of sociamalism and muslin Death Stars and health care for zombies and death panels run by the gayly betrothed? Of course you are. Also: you are finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with the things that all us Americans should be feared of. Thankfully there's a new site that will help us remember—and to also never forget—these things. Because Glenn Beck is our profit prophet and he knows html, just like Jesus and Joseph Smith.

Just keep hitting "refresh" until the election and forward this site to your mom and her prayer circle along with a thoughtful message IN ALL CAPS.

New Really Fun Thing: The Dragulator

Are you unhappy with your drab appearance? Your boring face and your gray, lifeless skin and your saggy tits and your crossed eyes and your straw hair and your knobby legs and your tombstone teeth? And your chapped lips, your pimple clusters, and your giant nose? And your farmer tan? (And your "beauty mark"?) Me too!

Thankfully, Ru Paul and the Logo channel has the answer to all of our problems: The Dragulator, which allows us humans to imagine ourselves as something so much better than we actually are or could ever be.

Now instead of living in the real world, in which you are the lead character in a terrible PBS drama full of ugly people, you can reinvent yourself as the lead character in The Bold and the Beautiful or Gone With the Wind or The Muppets Take Manhattan or whatever, yay!

Folks, say hello to Stella Farley, my fabulous new doppleganger and the new competitive eating champion of Earth. (Suck it, Kobayashi!)



As Ru as my waitress I will never be hungry again.

New Fun Thing: Sharktopus on the SyFy Channel!

Ladies, this film looks terrible. And by terrible I mean exquisite. And the soundtrack appears to be just god-awful. And by god-awful I mean hilarious. And the acting looks grim. And by grim I mean god-awful. And the premise looks unfortunate, by which I mean hilarious/exquisite. And the special effects look hideous, which is another word for god-awful and remarkable. And the directing looks ... ok, I'm tired of this word game. I refudiate it.

The point is, this movie will change the world, just like "Do They Know It's Christmas?" It will also clearly have a major impact, at the policy level, on the Obama administration, just like The Day After did for Reagan. Children of the '10s will always remember where they were when they saw this trailer. (The answer is: torturing an 11-year-old shit-talker on the socialized media.)

New Fun Thing: The FADER's Annual Icon Issue, featuring Siouxsie Sioux

Sadly, I think Siouxsie Sioux may have reached that point in her career where she's celebrated more for what she did than what she does. This has probably been obvious to everyone but me for a good ten years at least but a fan's gotta hold out hope that his fairy godmother—the one who got him through his adolescence with lullabies like "Bring Me the Head of the Preacher Man" and "Rawhead and Bloodybones"—will continue to produce endless slabs of manna for him to feed upon and force his friends to stick in their ears. And, really, she's been churning out the goods for quite a while. After the Banshees broke up in 1996 she put out two more albums with her husband, the drummer Budgie, as The Creatures, and collaborated with Basement Jaxx on a song. Then, after divorcing, she did a great solo album two years ago (her 50th year on the planet) that went virtually ignored in this dumb country. But she's been awfully quite lately. What's a gaywad to do?

I'm REALLY hoping she's planning her next project right now, but it's very possible that I'm staring down the lonely path of a Siouxsie-less future. This is terrible, obviously. This woman could release a recording of herself washing dishes and talking to her cats and I'd buy it. (Why doesn't she just do that?) Thankfully, after stumbling out of a work function the other night where they served me too much booze, I walked past a magazine shop with the latest issue of FADER in the window featuring my #1 lady, which gathers together a few great images of her that I've never seen. It also assembles a bunch of quotes from young musicians giving props to a woman who is a million and 7/8 times cooler than they are.

It also connects the musical dots, via a handy scribbled graph, between Sioux and the other icon the magazine focuses on, dancehall legend Shabba Ranks, which is interesting! Also, it's obnoxious, because Shabba Ranks is one of those Jamaican musicians that hates the gays so much he has to write lyrics about how much he hates them. (Siouxsie loves the gays and would probably have a few choice words for Mr. Ranks should she ever stop kicking him in the face with her gay-ass Catwoman boots. [This is what she does to him in my dreams.])

Come back, Siouxsie! I need at least two more solo albums before you turn 60.

New Fun Thing FAIL: Michelle Bachman Birthday Card

So yesterday I was on my favorite Washington, DC porn site, Wonkette, and they had a post about how you can go sign congressional dummy/rotted corpse of Joseph McCarthy Michelle Bachman's birthday card. They assured me, the Wonkette did, that they had no problem getting their rude message through Bachman's webmaster's freedom censors, so I figured, hey, I should offer my birthday greetings to America's greatest lobotomized hero.

But no! The computer hackers from ACORN have failed me. My birthday message (above, clickety click) has not been posted. Yet this ALL-CAPS-happy comment from a Dr. Frank in Charlotte, NC made it through:

Happy Birthday and THANK YOU FOR WHO YOU CHOOSE TO BE!

Dr. Frank, you should know already that it's NOT A CHOICE!

New Fun Thing: Teabonics

It just doesn't get old, does it, scrolling through pages of Tea Party protest photos full of signs scribbled in a red-hot grammar-killing rage? No, it doesn't. So here's a new repository for you east coast elites to snicker at all uppity-like.

Teabonics is American values. Time for Texas to writing another textbooks!

New Fun Thing: That's What Bea Said

In case you haven't seen this yet, here is a new online resource for great context-free one-liners to use at your next cocktail party, courtesy of Bea Arthur. Hopefully this site is a work in progress because I didn't see my favorite one ("We have Maalox and estrogen.")

Rahm Emanuel Should Be Allowed to Say These Things for Real

I'm assuming this SNL sketch is web only. It's also, presumably, fictional, which is a shame because damn if these points don't need to be made, out loud, with a bullhorn, using exactly this phraseology, and the folks they are directed to (progressive Democrats, Trig Palin's Mother) forced to listen to them, in stereo, in a pitch-black, strobe-light-infused padded listening chamber of death.

Depressing Tests I Can Ace: Pew's Political News IQ Test

Wow. I don't remember the last time I made a 100 on a test. (Myers-Briggs?) Sadly, the fact that I correctly answered every single one of the 12 questions on the Pew Research Center's Political News IQ Quiz doesn't garner me anything tangible like an island vacation or a lifetime supply of tape. No, I only get to lie back and enjoy feeling superior to 98% of other general public humans in my grasp of random factoid knowledge, yay! (This is scary because one of the questions was "How many fingers is President Nancy Pelosi holding up in this picture?") Click the above snapshot for evidence of intelligent life in my head.

My show on MSNBC will be called Over Here, Dummies with Tim Anderson. Sarah Palin will be my Andy Richter until we're cancelled by Jay Leno.

New Fun Thing: Xtra Normal

I've just come upon a web technology that will change the way we communicate. It's called Xtranormal, and, if you're a writer, you can use it to give voice to all that idiotic typing you do all day only to be told by Random House "who are you and what are doing hiding in the mail room with the company dildo?"

Now, instead of writing short stories, submitting them to tediously negative and cowardly literary journals and such, and dealing with the requisite nasty emails from them saying to stop harassing them and stop submitting stories that they don't think are even written in English, we "writers" can offer the world our unpublished stories, in an audiovisual dimension, without the obnoxious and repressive standards that the gatekeepers in the literary world impose upon us.

As such, I present to you a story,"Boy Inadvertent," that I entered in Opium Magazine's "500-word Memoir" contest last spring only to be cruelly and utterly ignored, not even receiving a "thank you for submitting" or even a " this piece of shit blew, so thanks but no."

This powerful story of my life would never be heard from again it seemed. But then: Xtranormal. Thank you, Internet.

New Fun Thing: Clownz!

You remember when you were a kid and you spent countless nights awake for hours in a cold sweat, laying in your bed, listening to the approaching footsteps of the maniacal, murderous escaped circus clown who is about to knock lightly on your door before letting himself in and eating you with cutlery that he brought himself? Those were the days, no?

If you were anything like me as an impressionable, spooked child, your mom was constantly giving you terrible clowns as presents--dolls, framed pictures, figurines--because she felt you didn't have enough horrifying neuroses to occupy yourself with and really wanted to give you one that would stick with you. WELL GUESS WHAT, MOM!!! I STILL SHIVER WHEN I SEE A RINGLING BROS. ADVERTISEMENT!!!

Ahem. Anyway, I love clowns, as you all do. And while searching around today for that hot "2 clowns 1 cup" viral video i heard about on Twatter, I came upon clownz.com, a fun site with pages like Clowns in the News, Fun with Clowns (clown-themed humor), Stories from You, and my favorite, Threatening Letters, where I found this week's candidate for Epistle of the Week, in which a certain clown-sympathizer has taken umbrage at the site's celebration of the horrorfication of the once-respected and not-at-all creepy figure of the clown. Here's a taste:

My name is Jim Ray. While searching the internet for links to clowning-related pages, I was confonted with your page, and to say the least, I was extremely offended by your website... Now WAIT--before you go off and take this as a complete complaint, I want you to know that I KNOW you have (1) the right to expression, and (2) the right, frankly, to not like clowns. But literally thousands of children DO like clowns, and search for the word "Clowns" every day. While you do have the right to expression, you do not have the right slanderize the entire clowning industry, nor any particular "clown" therein.

This guy is pissed, and for good reason. Clowns are the last minority it's okay to hate. (Except for fags and fatties.) It's the civil rights issue of our generation. And I think the movement has found its leader.

One day soon the phrase "clown f*cker" will be a compliment.

New Fun Thing: Obama Birth Certificate Generator

Now we can all be Orly Taitz, yay! Who wouldn't want to follow in the footsteps of the stubbornly deranged lawyer/dentist/Russian/orthopedist/
masseuse/cashier/beauty school dropout who will not rest until the Obama presidency is brought down by a deluge of fake birth certificates? Here's mine.

When will Obama kill Orly Taitz's grandmother with Medicare and health insurance reform so that all this suspicion and paranoia can be addressed once and for all?

New Fun Thing: Famous Movie Family Portraits

This guy is great. He does colored-pencil family portraits featuring your favorite movie families, like the ones from Poltergeist, The Lost Boys, and The Jerk. My favorite is the one above of the Torrance family from The Shining.

The Shining, of course, features one of American cinema's greatest love stories, between Jack Nicholson's Jack and Shelley Duvall's Wendy. There's also little Danny, who's retarded or something, but the real drama comes from the exhilaratingly passionate scenes between Jack, Wendy (who I think is also retarded--sorry! I mean brain disabled), and an axe.

New Fun Thing: Naked Germans

Ladies and gentlemen, the very reason computers were invented was so that, one day, we would be able to undress people with our mouses. Mice. Mouse. Anyway, the Internet upped the ante, so now we can collectively undress people with our mouses...mice....mouse, internationally, as one people, in a shared erotic experience.

Ok, yikes, that sounded kind of gross, but never mind that, check out Ansgar (above), a 30-year-old musician. Wait, what were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, naked Germans! All of you kids out there who like girls will probably get more out of this than I did (Ansgar, the first person featured, was also one of very few hot young men on offer). But still, witness computer technology at its finest.

And, this should go without saying, but unless you work in a brothel (hey Dani!), this is NSFW.

New Fun Thing: The Buffalo Beast's List of 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2008

Wow. Who knew Buffalo, New York was so full of sneering merchants of venom? I don't know who these "Buffalo Beast" people are, but they certainly put together the most enjoyable 50 some-odd paragraphs of hilarious vitriol I've read since Gore Vidal's Dreaming War: Blood for Oil and the Cheney-Bush Junta. One of their "Evil Contributors" is Bitch Queen Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone fame, so that should give you some idea of the treats you have in store here. This is my new favorite publication, and it appears that, in the tradition of Johannes Gutenberg, they actually print a paper version, so one of yous should get me a subscription.

Only misstep: inclusion of John Updike, whom they dub as "apparently immortal." Bad timing, Beast.