Smug Racist John Derbyshire's Got Me Thinking...

First of all, dear readers, I must apologize for placing a photo of a woefully unattractive old shitsack at the top of this post. It is lamentable! The shitsack in question is John Derbyshire, who, though he sounds like a bit player in a hilarious Jeeves and Wooster romp by PG Wodehouse, is actually a right-wing cartoon character who writes regularly for low-minded newsletter The National Review.

Yes, the horrifying collection of pixels above is of a maladjusted old fart who just hates black people so MUCH. Thankfully the internet gives him ample space to articulate his racial preferences, and last week he decided that he would, for a laugh, perform a stunning riff on a timely topic that has been much discussed and written about in the wake of the shooting death of Trayvon Martin: "The Talk" that black parents have to have with their male children to prepare them for their lives of being on the wrong end of the law/neighborhood watch all day, every day, forever, even if they're just walking down the road during halftime to get some Skittles.

So Derbyshire sets to typing and comes up with a "Talk" of his own, titled "The Talk: Nonblack Version," in which he gives sage advice to his children about how best to treat the entire black population of the country with complete and utter contempt. Amazingly, in the fallout from his screed, TNR fired him, probably for being too overt. (They like their racism subtle, in the style of a Limbaugh or a Drudge.)

But anyway, Jimmy and I were talking about this tonight and Derbyshire's really got us thinking. What if we were parents and had to prepare our children to fear/loathe an entire group of people? What group would we choose? Breeders, obviously!

Jimmy and I will never have children, of course, because we really just prefer cats. But if we did end up with child, "The Talk" we would have with our gay offspring (once they are able to communicate in full sentences/text messages) about the dangers of 97% of the population would probably look something like this:

THE TALK: GAY VERSION (SNAP!)



(1) Many people refer to "heterosexuals" as "straight." The better term is "breeders" because they are always going around having babies all over the place. Beware of them. They might try to get you to babysit while they go out and make more babies.

(2) Of course, Breeders should be treated with respect, just like any other person. But there are certain times when also they shouldn't.

(3) Breeders are statistically in the majority, which is why they have to be watched. They are power mad, and super paranoid about any non-Breeder feelings they might be having. These feelings usually manifest themselves in some dumb bullshit law or other that will restrict your right to marry the person you love. This is one of their favorite things to do, in fact, because they are spastic.

(4) Religious, right-wing breeders, especially, just cannot stop thinking about gay sex. They think about it more than you, just accept it. If you ever need some good/disgusting porn, just hack the computer of the most religious man on your block. He will have a mother load on his hard drive.

(5) Because they are so shifty and capricious, when you must deal with breeders, use statistical common sense:

(5a) Avoid concentrations of breeders not all known to you personally.

(5b) Stay out of neighborhoods that are heavily breedery. (Park Slope, most but not all of Utah)

(5c) If planning a trip to a beach, amusement park, or concert venue at some date, find out whether it is likely to be swamped with breeders on that date. If you do not plan in advance you may find yourself at a megachurch, a tailgating party, a football game, or the Country Music Awards. (They do not sell poppers at such events.)

(5d) Do not attend events likely to draw a lot of breeders, like hot dog eating contests, funerals, Big & Rich concerts, and confirmations.

(5e) Never go to Jamaica.

(5f) If you are at some public event at which the number of breeders suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible. Such events might include a spring break beach party in Daytona, a Rick Warren book signing in Tulsa, or any bar in the Meat Packing District.

(5g) Do not settle in a district or municipality run by breeder politicians. They will never leave their wives for you. Never.

(5h) Before voting for a breeder politician, scrutinize his/her character much more carefully than you would a gay one. Because, really, if a dude sucks dick, he's got your best interests at heart, just vote for him. (Unless he looks like John Derbyshire.)

(5i) Do not act the Good Samaritan to breeders in apparent distress, e.g., on the highway. They will probably just try to sell you some khaki pants out of the trunk of their car.

(5j) If accosted by a strange breeder in the street, like Phyllis Schlafly or Tony Danza, smile and say something polite but keep moving. They just want relationship advice or a free haircut.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

You don’t have to follow my version of the talk point for point; but if you are gay or lesbian or some combination of the two and have kids, you owe it to them to give them some version of the talk. It will save them a lot of time and trouble spent figuring things out for themselves. It may save their social lives.

Dept. of Verbiage

Oh, you guys know you've missed See Tim Blog's self-hating Sarah Palin coverage. For years we here at STB have provided you with the best unadulterated Palin porn the Internet has to offer, and ever since she sadly announced she wouldn't run for president of the United American States of Alaska it's been a challenge to keep the coverage coming, because what are we supposed to do, stop the presses whenever her mouth-breathing husband decides to endorse Newt Gingrich for dog catcher or one of her daughters decides to get plastic surgery to look less like a Palin? No. We will not stoop so low. We want the real deal, and if Sarah ain't talkin', don't come a' knockin'.

Anyway, it's been a while since we've checked in with Planet Palin, but every so often some idiotic drivel seeps out of the mouth of our favorite hair weave model and plops onto our internet screen here at STB HQ that absolutely must be blogged about lest it be lost to history forever. Herewith, I present you with some words Sarah Palin said to some Fox News toady or other in response to a question about hideous elephantine ball sack Newt Gingrich:

“They maybe subscribe such characterization of Newt via words like that, but they don’t subscribe those to say Mitt Romney when he or his surrogates do the same thing. That’s that typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades in the political arena,” she said. “It is hypocritical of the media to subscribe to one candidate and not another, that kind of ‘angry attack muffin’ verbiage to one and not the other.”

I ask you, dear readers, would knowing exactly what question was posed to Sarah Palin before she began moving her lips to attempt pronunciation of these words make the resulting sentence any more coherent? No, that's why I didn't bother to look the question up. That's how easy Sarah Palin makes it to blog about her. She's a real time saver.

In conclusion, 59,934,814 U.S. Americans voted for this sitcom character to be Vice President of the United States in 2008. Not that long ago!

Get Ready to Roll Your Eyes

Oh, Jesus, New York Post, you really are the worst, aren't you? When I saw this headline today I just about choked on my own tongue. Are you kidding me?

As some of you may know, there's a new book out called The Obamas that dishes some dirt on the supposed friction between Michelle Obama and members of the administration, particularly hot rod Rahm Emmanuel. (It is extremely important and relevant to note here that this book currently sits a mere four slots above my own book about the Obamas, Tune in Tokyo, on Amazon's Kindle nonfiction top 100 list OMG.) The White House has responded to the headlines this book has generated by downplaying the drama, and part of this effort was Michelle Obama doing a sit-down interview with, for some reason, Oprah's best friend Gayle King. During this interview, our FLOTUS said this (copied directly from the Post):

“But that’s been an image that people have tried to paint of me since, you know, the day Barack announced that I’m some angry, black woman.”

This is true! Remember the legend of the Michelle Obama "whitey" videotape that every right-wing reptile was dying to get their hands on? (And by the way, like I said, I copied and pasted the above quotation directly from the Post's website. Notice how they cheekily left out the comma that should go after the word announced so basically it looks like she's saying that Barack announced that Michelle is some angry black woman. Nice touch, guys.)

Anyway, so of course the media are going to cover this response of hers, and unfortunately the New York Post is classified as "the media," so of course we were bound to see something about this on the famously right-wing daily's front page this morning. And what did the bilious baboons over at the Post decide was the best headline for this story? That's right: Mad as Hell Michelle!

I bet the Post newsroom smells like a high school cafeteria.

Lessons from the Internet: Fans of Canadian Ice Skaters Are Fragile

The Internet is a wonderful place, full of fascinating people to meet and things to see that you would otherwise have no interest in knowing about. I never realized I needed the sweet embrace of Lolcats, for example, until there they were on my screen, lol-ing. You know one thing that the Internet is also full of? That's right: sensitive, mean idiots off their meds who love to type things twice in a slightly different fashion into their computer machines.

As none of you may recall, back in April I had some fun with a picture of Canadian ice skater Meagan Duhamel elbowing her skating partner in the face, because why not, am I right? Life is boring! Now, months later, some poor fraggle going by the name "unknown" has found this blog entry and is SO PISSED about it. Why? Because Meagan Duhamel is an amazing skater and I can't believe you would make something up about a famous person and put it on the Internet!

So now I'm being encouraged by a random person on earth to get a new job because this one is clearly not working out, due to my being a doorknob. Salient point. Doorknobs can't blog.

Everyone Will Always Remember Where They Were When They Found Out What Katy Perry Thinks of Osama bin Laden's Death

Thank you, Huffington Post, for being our window into history.

Welcome to the First Meeting of the Republican Book Club

People make fun of some Republican leaders for scorning any kind of activity that doesn't involve fishin' or shootin' critters or fellatin' the Constitution or hatin' the gays (while secretly suckin' cock), but that is so unfair. For example, there's a new yearly Republican get-together where candidates for chairman of the Republican National Committee all sit at a table and try to think of any books they might have accidentally read in their lives. Witness the breathtaking scholarship on display in the above video.

The first to announce his favorite book is the guy who just reflexively says The Reagan Diaries because obviously that's the only non-gay answer to the question. Hopefully he hasn't read any other books because indoctrination into socialism and sodomy officially starts when you finish your fifth Harry Potter novel.

Then there's the dingbat who says her "favorite bar" is probably her kitchen table, which is a lazy answer because that's everyone's favorite bar. Also, it doesn't actually answer the question posed, which was "what is your favorite book?" It's interesting that she heard the words "what is your favorite" and then a word beginning with "b" and she just naturally assumed that that word was "bar." (The word "book" was said pretty clearly, no?) Someone nominate this lady for Vice President, please.

But the real magic happens when Michael "the black Obama" Steele, struggling to keep a straight face, says War and Peace. Sure, Michael, we'll buy that. At least we might have if you hadn't then completely undermined yourself by saying "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," which is such a wonderful opening line (almost as good as the opening line in my book, which all Republicans can buy here), but, sadly, is not the opening line to War and Peace. I'm sure Charles Dickens is laughing and then throwing up in his grave.

Anyway, stay tuned, because at the next book club meeting these folks will be discussing the many "trickle down economics" metaphors in Sarah Palin's classic jailhouse memoir Going Rogue.

Please Please PLEASE Let Haley Barbour Get the Republican Nomination

Obviously, most coherent people of the world want Sarah Palin to be the Republican nominee for president in 2012. Not because most folks think that the one thing missing from presidential campaigning is drag hair and screeching. Mainly because the thought of her debating policy in her drag hair and with her screeching seems like it would mean that Obama rollerskates back to the White House easily and Sasha and Malia get to tell Bristol and Willow to suck it. I myself have kind of wished for this.

But you know who would be even better as a Republican nominee? Jowly downhome racist sack of fat Haley Barbour, the governor of (you guessed it) Mississippi. Barbour is a walking talking caricature of the unreconstructed Southern good ole boy, and he would no doubt cut a fine figure (see above photo) next to smoove, sexxy Barry Obama, our Kenyan president, on a debate stage. Barbour is the type of southern dipshit who finds himself uttering REALLY DUMB claptrap about what the civil rights era was like in his hometown of (you guessed it) Yazoo City. Check it. In the past few days Barbour has been all over the news with his revisionist history of Yazoo City's approach to integration during his youth. Now the media is reminding folks that the groups that Barbour defended, the Citizens Councils, were actually not the angels of mercy Barbour claimed but, rather, were founded in 1954 in response to what they saw as the odious Brown v. Board of Education Supreme Court case that found that segregation of public schools was unconstitutional, and Barbour is doing the Backtrack Bolero all over the place. And he ain't a very good dancer.

In conclusion, more dancing from Haley Barbour, please.

Today on Sarah Palin Loves the Gerund

Americans love a leader who can speak clearly and convey in economical phraseology exactly where he or she stands on a particular issue. This is why Sarah Palin is so beloved by the country, because there is no better platform for such terse clarity than Twitter. But sometimes Sarah Palin, because she's so versatile, removes herself from her Tweet-machine and ventures out into the public arena to prove that she can do more than just type the -ing forms of words and construct entire sentences without subjects on her Blackberry. She can do this stuff orally, too:

"Marco Rubio started and kinda taking on the establishment and mavericky, going rogue, you know, doing it," exclaimed Palin. "And I look at him and I think, you know, we kinda started a whole bunch of this stuff. So, very very proud and encouraged by Marco."

Exactly. God, someone give this woman a book contract!

Sarah Palin's Facebook Foreign Policy Manifesto is Adorable

You guys, little Sarah Palin is gettin' all growed up, sort of! She's put up on Facebook a 5-paragraph essay that her 6th-grade English teacher gave her a ¿- on because she couldn't really tell what it was about or why it was written.

It's really cute, little Sarah's obviously been talking to lots of her friends' parents and those friends' parents' Manichean neoconservative third cousins, and now she's taken to Facebook to show everyone that she knows about countries like Israel and Turkey and Russia and China and North Korea and Venezuela and Africa and that she can type the letters NATO in all caps successfully.

It seems like just yesterday she was drinkin' Boone's Farm and listenin' to Stryper with Todd behind her parents' house and gettin' all buzzed 'n pregnant and then bein' nominated for vice president of the United States of America and then losin' and gettin' all bitter and twisted about it and quittin' her job and then Facebookin' and Twitterin' all up in there and then still bein' probably the front-runner in the Republican presidential primary despite the fact that she's obviously mentally ill.

Sarah's going to do her next essay on how Beanie Babies hastened the end of the Cold War. Margaret Thatcher, who has dementia, will still have the presence of mind to gaze toward America's shores and throw up.

Booh, Chachi is a Wingnut :(

Wow. How have I missed all this craziness? Scott Baio has lost his damn mind. Jezebel has a rundown of the once-great Scott Baio's hilarious and sad Internet meltdown. Baio and his wife are both hideous web monsters, yikes! They're generating so many Internet memes so fast our computers are all about to explode and shut down Iceland's airspace.

Y'all, he wasn't like this when he was with me in my dreams in the 80s. What happened? Has he always been a smug hateful asshole or did those traits develop over time, like when his career ended? (Did I type that?) And I always like to think that you can count on the woman in a man's life to set him right, but Scott Baio's wife is just as bad. She has invented and used the insult SHITASS to describe a person, for God's sake. Gross.



How can the man that played Bob Loblaw on Arrested Development be this terrible?

The answer is socialism.

UPDATE: This is worse than I thought. Jimmy's new term of endearment for me is "far left lesbian shitass."

New Fun Thing: Teabonics

It just doesn't get old, does it, scrolling through pages of Tea Party protest photos full of signs scribbled in a red-hot grammar-killing rage? No, it doesn't. So here's a new repository for you east coast elites to snicker at all uppity-like.

Teabonics is American values. Time for Texas to writing another textbooks!

Odious/Awesome People: A Photo Essay You Tube!

Folks, these two Texans are not only obvious patriots, they are also deeply in love. The silver fox on the left is Rep. Randy Neugebauer, the hero who, for the sake of the country and freedom fries, yelled "baby killer" at Bart Stupak the other day in Congress. The hot momma on the right is his supportive wife Dana (known in Texas circles as Rapid-Eye-Movement McGee). In the wake of the kerfuffle over his announcement of Bart Stupak's new nickname, Neugebauer cut a campaign ad requesting money so he can continue to call people baby killers and whatnot, in Congress, on the taxpayers' dime, in Jesus' name.

In the ad he appears with lovable, twitchy Dana, and I'd like to officially endorse her for her husband's congressional seat and/or President right now. This is a woman who knows how to appear in a campaign ad. She's dynamic! Impassioned! Awake! Her husband should obviously never be let out of the house again unchaperoned, but her? Let her serve openly. Elect this woman and her beady eyes and cotton mouth. Freedom demands that she serve our great nation in some sort of official capacity. ALSO SHE NEEDS MORE COCAINE.

Now, some of the stills in the below campaign video I've made for Mrs. Dana might make you think that Lady Neugebauer has dead eyes. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Her eyes are alive like danger. She's sending coded messages with those things, messages that will be intercepted by all liberty-loving Americans in Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Draft Dana!

Know What's Funny About This Tea Party Dipshit's Sign?

Alexander Hamilton, the Secretary of the Treasury under George Washington, believed in a strong national government and was the main proponent of a national bank--the Bank of the United States--that would have a major role in regulating and promoting economic growth.

Know what else is funny about this congenitally dumb woman's sign? Alexander Hamilton also said this:

Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of man will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice without constraint.

And also this:

Men often oppose a thing merely because they have had no agency in planning it, or because it may have been planned by those whom they dislike.

In conclusion, George Washington, America's first tyrant, was soft on terror, Thomas Jefferson invented socialism, and Phyllis Schlafly was our most important Founding Father. Read all about it in Texas's new history textbooks.

This California Republican Demon Sheep Hungers for Your Tasty Entrails

Surely everyone now has seen the hilarious/terrifying attack ad made by the Carly Fiorina campaign--for a U.S. Senate seat--that suggests that her Republican primary opponent for the California seat is a demon sheep who will eat your face. If you haven't, watch it now and get ready for a month of sleepless nights and/or terrible nightmares.

You will never recover from this.

(hat tip to Wonkette commenter John G. for the GIF)

Dutch Dingbat Rebuilds Noah's Ark, Thereby Proving Its Biblical Truth

Have you folks received this hysterical (in ALL senses of the word) email forward yet from all y'alls momz? About how a guy in Dutchland built a replica of Noah's Ark according to the building specifications that God laid out in the scriptures? Dutch Creationist Johan Huibers apparently built this flotation device "as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible." That's great for him and for all Christians, because now they have proof that the measurements laid out by God are structurally sound.

Now all Johan needs to do is gather together two of the same species of EVERY ANIMAL ON THE PLANET and tuck them away in their bunks in his new ark, take some pictures (no Photoshopping), and all of our religious doubts will be vaporized once and for all. Then we can all lose our shit and start talking to burning bushes, taking up residence in the bellies of whales, and, most fun of all, blaming women for eating apples and thereby forcing us to feel bad about walking around naked. Then we can start dealing with the muslins.

Is this guy friends with Sarah Palin on Facebook yet?

All I know is, Johan has definitely strengthened my belief in the Biblical truth of red sweaters and hot porn 'staches.

Smackdown: Kirk Cameron vs. Romanian Spitfire

Well it's official, I have a new secret girlfriend (sorry, Rachel Maddow!). And a new favorite foreign lady (sorry, new First Lady of Japan!).

As you may know, former teen star and current tedious evangelical dingbat Kirk Cameron has a new project he's really excited about which will officially debunk Darwin's theory of evolution by using a new edition of the book itself to "prove" his point ("the call is coming from inside the house" approach) If you've even seen one of Kirk Cameron's dumb youtubes, you know that he needs to be slapped and hard. Here's a notable one in which Cameron passes over the Crazy Reins to Ray Comfort (porn name?) so that he can explain how the banana proves that God wanted us all to suck cock real good is a perfect food made by God for humans. Witness the airtight logic! Marvel at Ray Comfort's DSL! Stop laughing, this is scientific fact!

Anyway, this woman Christina in Romania is having none of Kirk Cameron's foolishness about the whole evolution thing, and she really deserves to win "Romania's Got Talent" for this 5-minute video she made of Kirk being a dumbass. At the very least she needs to be declared the new first lady of something (bananas?). There are lots of videos on her youtube channel that I will spend the weekend watching while sunbathing naked and flipping through the latest issue of Charles Darwin Unzipped.

Quote of the Week

This comes courtesy of an attendee at Crazee Michele Bachmann's town hall in Minnesota yesterday:

“I’ll be danged if I am going to give up my Social Security because of socialism,” Schaffer said, before being booed by the crowd.

Oh, and to make this fool's words even sweeter, there's this nugget:

LeRoy Schaffer, a St. Francis city council member, dressed in a tuxedo and top hat for the occasion. Shaffer got visibly emotional asking Bachmann about the future of health care and the role of special interests in Washington.

So readers, is Shaffer danged or isn't he? Hard to tell!

Secret Tranny Lover Rush Limbaugh Makes Same Uranus Joke You Heard in Middle School

Fat lizard Rush Limbaugh is such a tired old piece of shittrash devoid of any new jokes that yesterday he had to reach into the deepest recesses of his reptilian memory sacks (made of farts) in order to produce a fag joke about Barney Frank that didn't even make any sense.

As you probably know now, Barney Frank pwned a dumb mule of a woman at a town hall meeting the other day when she showed up with a Obama-is-a-Nazi poster and complained about the Nazi policies Frank is following. "On what planet do you spend most of your time?" Frank asked the stupid cow.

So Rush decides that this is a great opportunity to make a butthole joke in order to delight his chronically masturbating audience, because as we all know, only fags love buttholes, and Limbaugh's audience loves jerking off to butthole jokes that mention fags, and Frank is certainly a fag. So he says,

Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends most of his time living around Uranus?

Ha ha! Yes! It is! Wait. Who's anus? Your anus? So is Rush calling his audience fags who allow Barney Frank near their anuses? Who exactly is the, er, butt of the joke? His humor is enigmatic.

And who really believes that piggy little Rush Limbaugh, dedicated lover of the Dominican Bachelor Tours, hasn't hoisted his tub of genitals up against an anus? It's included in the package deal!

North Carolina Republicans Still Dumb (After All These Years)

Ok, I'm still on vacation, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't post the above front page photo from Raleigh's News and Observer, which greeted my smiling face from the window of an Atlantic Beach newspaper box this morning.


Click the photo for hilarity.

You know, ever since Jesse Helms left the national stage of the U.S. Senate in Washington, DC and retired in my hometown of Raleigh, NC (more time to spend looking at all his Robert Mapplethorpe coffee table books in his secret office/kitten dungeon down in the basement, I guess)--and then worse, actually died, North Carolina has gotten short shrift in the national media when it comes to the prominent display of crazy dumb white people spouting about the coloreds through their jowls. That's just not right, because God knows, the crazy didn't leave North Carolina when Jesse did.

So thank baby Jesus for this health care debate, am I right? The dingbats were out in full force, 250 strong outside US Senator Kay Hagan's Raleigh office to oppose health reform and urge for greater regulation of birth certificates (no darkies). (If you haven't noticed the mistake in the woman on the left's sign yet, just hurry up and read the top line.)

Pure. Poetry.

My brother Kevin and I were just discussing what she would answer if you asked her what socialism was, and we both agreed that if she said "Nazis" you had permission to beat her upside the head.

And who is she kidding anyway? That bitch don't scrimp on the pubic option.

UPDATE: It appears the N and O has cropped the Photo of the Year on their website. Look here:



Freedom Works must have sent in their goons.

Oh, and just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean you shouldn't be having fun, so here's a video of Jack Imel tap dancing and playing the xylophone, just like I used to do while locked in the band closet in middle school during lunch.

New Republican Sex Scandal, Hooray!

Dear Lord, this is a spectacular achievement in FAIL. Mark Sanford, Republican governor of South Carolina, has just admitted that he wasn't practicing family values on the Appalachian Trail like his staff has been promising us over the past few days. He was actually in Argentina blowing off steam. And in Republican-speak, "blowing off steam" translates to "I've been unfaithful to my wife and I've developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina." He just said that at a press conference, for real.

This whole episode has unfolded as if it had been choreographed by the Keystone Cops. When he first went missing, his wife had no idea where we was but, apparently, wasn't worried because he wanted to get some writing done or whatever, who cares? Then his staff started issuing statements that of COURSE they know where he is, he's hiking or something or maybe not, but we KNOW, ok? Then there's the parked car at the Columbia airport and the parked car at the Atlanta airport and the sheepish vague denials that anything is weird, and...this story is exhausting, but so good (and horrible, of course, for the family).

What kind of dumb a**hole goes missing for a week to sleep with some Argentinian hussy on Father's Day when he's got a wife and kids at home? This is beyond Elliot Spitzer "wanting to get caught" psychodrama. Did he put a video of their Buenos Aires bedchamber of horror up on xtube yet? Jesus. (I wouldn't mind seeing that, actually, cz he's kinda hawt for a governor. Send links, pls.)

All of that said, Buenos Aires is a beautiful place to have an extramarital affair. Jimmy and I went there last year for our 10th (11th?) anniversary and had a ball. Ours is an extramarital affair, see, cause we can't get married. (Thanks, breeders.)