Sarah Palin Needs Some Attention, You Guys

Okay, okay, Sarah, we understand that you are feeling a little bit ignored these days, what with Mitt Romney off saying dumb shit all over the "small island" of England, which is what you should be doing! It's not fair, truly. Obviously, if Jesus hadn't been murdered by Obama in November 2008 you might be making these foreign trips as the current Vice President, rearing your head at 10 Downing Street and Buckingham Palace and Harrod's and Hogwarts. So how are you supposed to maintain your relevance when the only people paying attention to you are the house-bound hoveround ALL CAPS EMAIL crowd who are constantly fapping to the photo albums on your Facebook page?

The answer is you must choose the latest culture war battle and visit the troops on the field! So get yourself and your dumb husband down to the Chick-Fil-A, where all the best Christian soldiers get their waffle fries, and have one of your poor kids snap a picture of you proudly holding just-purchased bags of delicious stomach cancer so that you can upload it and catapult yourself back into the national conversation about gay marriage and fried chicken sandwiches. Pay attention to Sarah, everybody!

So here's a picture of Sarah Palin being a sassy bitch. War photography by Piper Palin.

Dept. of Verbiage

Oh, you guys know you've missed See Tim Blog's self-hating Sarah Palin coverage. For years we here at STB have provided you with the best unadulterated Palin porn the Internet has to offer, and ever since she sadly announced she wouldn't run for president of the United American States of Alaska it's been a challenge to keep the coverage coming, because what are we supposed to do, stop the presses whenever her mouth-breathing husband decides to endorse Newt Gingrich for dog catcher or one of her daughters decides to get plastic surgery to look less like a Palin? No. We will not stoop so low. We want the real deal, and if Sarah ain't talkin', don't come a' knockin'.

Anyway, it's been a while since we've checked in with Planet Palin, but every so often some idiotic drivel seeps out of the mouth of our favorite hair weave model and plops onto our internet screen here at STB HQ that absolutely must be blogged about lest it be lost to history forever. Herewith, I present you with some words Sarah Palin said to some Fox News toady or other in response to a question about hideous elephantine ball sack Newt Gingrich:

“They maybe subscribe such characterization of Newt via words like that, but they don’t subscribe those to say Mitt Romney when he or his surrogates do the same thing. That’s that typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades in the political arena,” she said. “It is hypocritical of the media to subscribe to one candidate and not another, that kind of ‘angry attack muffin’ verbiage to one and not the other.”

I ask you, dear readers, would knowing exactly what question was posed to Sarah Palin before she began moving her lips to attempt pronunciation of these words make the resulting sentence any more coherent? No, that's why I didn't bother to look the question up. That's how easy Sarah Palin makes it to blog about her. She's a real time saver.

In conclusion, 59,934,814 U.S. Americans voted for this sitcom character to be Vice President of the United States in 2008. Not that long ago!

A Final Comment on America's Snowbilly Sweetheart

Many of my readers have been asking me, "Tim, why haven't you commented on the shocking news that quitter Sarah Palin is quitting the GOP race she was never in?" Well, I'm heartbroken, obviously. The primary so far has been completely lacking in maniacal gerund use, word soup, and tragicomic campaign bus magic, and Sarah Palin was our last hope for any of that. I mean, really, even Rick Perry isn't going to have the balls to say something like "I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree."

It's a tragedy. Especially for me, because as you might remember, I secured the first interviews with Governor Palin before Charles Gibson and Katie Couric got their talons on her, before we even knew she liked to say "you betcha" and "terrrrrists" and "Bill Ayerrrrrrrs" and all that dumb garbage all the time, forever. So I know Palin on a much deeper level than anyone else, including Greta van Susteren. The woman I met and chatted with back then has really made a lot of money/spread her wings like a proud eagle and flown. Right into traffic. On the top of a bus. It's depressing that she's giving up the dream of becoming our first white trash Grifter-in-Chief. Who are we turn to, for freedom?

Maybe this clown?

Happy Sarah Palin Day!

Once again, real Americans get to roll around all day in a shit puddle of happiness because it's officially Sarah Palin book release day, yay! I posted the above video promo a few months ago and got zero respect for it by the lamestream media/random blog commenters, which is unfair because it's terrible! Anyway, to celebrate the further decline of American letters, I offer it unto you again. Enjoy it now, because when Sarah becomes president you'll only be able to watch videos like these via Taiwanese animation.

Today on Sarah Palin Loves the Gerund

Americans love a leader who can speak clearly and convey in economical phraseology exactly where he or she stands on a particular issue. This is why Sarah Palin is so beloved by the country, because there is no better platform for such terse clarity than Twitter. But sometimes Sarah Palin, because she's so versatile, removes herself from her Tweet-machine and ventures out into the public arena to prove that she can do more than just type the -ing forms of words and construct entire sentences without subjects on her Blackberry. She can do this stuff orally, too:

"Marco Rubio started and kinda taking on the establishment and mavericky, going rogue, you know, doing it," exclaimed Palin. "And I look at him and I think, you know, we kinda started a whole bunch of this stuff. So, very very proud and encouraged by Marco."

Exactly. God, someone give this woman a book contract!

Screechy Sarah Palin Screeches Her Way Through a Preview for What Will Surely Be the Screechiest Show in Teevee History

It's a shame for Sarah Palin that screeches aren't made of $100 bills because if they were she wouldn't even have to do the little amount of work she does to make a living--she could just chill by her waterin' hole back in Wasilla and whenever she needed money for the moose jerky vending machine or the Updo's 'n Don'ts Hair Salon she could just screech out one of her meaningless (and patented!) collections of gerunds into the air and then go cash them suckers in.

What I'm saying is good GOD this show looks teeth-gnashingly awful. Like, even worse than Outsourced.

My favorite moment: when screechy Sarah screeches out the following screech: "HOW COME WE CAN'T EVER JUST BE SATISFIED WITH TRANQUILITY???!!!"

YES, LAMESTREAM MEDIA AND BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE TRANQUIL AND LOW-KEY LIKE SNOWBILLY SARAH???!!!

Political Leakage Dept: Promotional Video for Sarah Palin's New Book!

Folks, does the sound of Sarah Palin's inane twaddle, spat in that god-awful mean girl yelp, make you want to, one by one, jab a whole can of peanuts in both ears, while crying? Does it make you want to grab your cat and run its claws down the chalkboard in your living room so as to drown out the horror? Also, does her Twitter account make you wish the Internet had never been invented by Al Gore?

In short, does Sarah Palin's whiny, grating, hella bitchy snarl of voice make you reflexively want to go back to high school and smack that bitch you hated in the face with a rubber chicken? Repeatedly?

And when you heard she has a new book coming out, did you consider eating your own face off?

This video is for you. Watch to the end, not just because it gets majestic but also because if you make it through the whole thing you earn a Cub Scout merit badge for carpentry/masochism.

Thanks to the Primitives for the music.

Sarah Palin's Facebook Foreign Policy Manifesto is Adorable

You guys, little Sarah Palin is gettin' all growed up, sort of! She's put up on Facebook a 5-paragraph essay that her 6th-grade English teacher gave her a ¿- on because she couldn't really tell what it was about or why it was written.

It's really cute, little Sarah's obviously been talking to lots of her friends' parents and those friends' parents' Manichean neoconservative third cousins, and now she's taken to Facebook to show everyone that she knows about countries like Israel and Turkey and Russia and China and North Korea and Venezuela and Africa and that she can type the letters NATO in all caps successfully.

It seems like just yesterday she was drinkin' Boone's Farm and listenin' to Stryper with Todd behind her parents' house and gettin' all buzzed 'n pregnant and then bein' nominated for vice president of the United States of America and then losin' and gettin' all bitter and twisted about it and quittin' her job and then Facebookin' and Twitterin' all up in there and then still bein' probably the front-runner in the Republican presidential primary despite the fact that she's obviously mentally ill.

Sarah's going to do her next essay on how Beanie Babies hastened the end of the Cold War. Margaret Thatcher, who has dementia, will still have the presence of mind to gaze toward America's shores and throw up.

Happy 4th, Real 'Merkins!

Folks, there is nothing that says "I love my country" more powerfully than a Sarah Palin blingee. As long as it includes fireworks and a beach ball.

This blingee is for all the real Americans that read this blog to stare at and slobber over all day. The rest of us are gonna spend the day pledging allegiance to Allah's World Cup soccer team and sodomizing our vodka and Diet Cherry 7-Ups.

Flappy Gourth of Moolai!

The AP Has Fun With Their Headlines

Sarah Palin is straight up sending mixed messages to her sheeple in the Tea Party: they should keeping standing but, in fact, they should probably shut up for the good of the movement. But what are they supposed to do while they're standing up? Protests are LONG! And should Sarah Palin also stand up but shut up?

We are all Sarah Palin today.

Sarah Palin's Informashun Distribyutor Kwits!

The world is a little less hilarious today with the resignation of Meg Stapleton, senior aide to and spokesperson for Wasilla drag queen/former VP candidate Sarah Palin. Stapleton-Palin, as you know, have had a great run as the Laurel and Hardy of national political comedy since August of 2008. It pains me to see the dynamic duo separate.

Let's take a moment to reflect upon Stapleton—who proclaimed on the eve of her boss's July resignation that "the world is literally her oyster"—and her long, distinguished career of platitudinous nonsense, such as this nugget about Palin from a May 2009 radio interview with some guy named Eddie Burke:

It’s always Alaska with her. It just doesn’t matter who the audience is, it is come visit Alaska, let me tell you about Alaska, do you know what we need in Alaska, can I talk to you about what our future is, it is always Alaska in her heart.

And because Meg Stapleton is always lying, let's just assume that Sarah Palin will be pulling up stakes and moving to Hollywood within the next month, never to return to Alaska again except to collect Levi's child support payments for her daughter.

Is Featuring Characters with Down syndrome on TV Now a Swipe at Trig Palin? [UPDATED THIS IS AWESOME OH MY GOD]

Can someone please please PLEASE tell me what was so offensive about the Family Guy Down syndrome joke the other night? I mean besides it being lame. How exactly was it offensive to Sarah 'n Bristol 'n Trig 'n Todd 'n Wasilla? Huh? Really, I want to know! I'm not defending the joke. How can I? I don't really understand what it was.

Here's the scenario, in case you live in an Alaskan cave: The blonde teen boy voiced by Seth Green on the show goes out to dinner with a girl in his high school who has Down syndrome. He asks her what her parents do. She says her father does something and that her mother is the former governor of Alaska. That's it! That's the offense. Question mark?



I mean, this character was actually pretty cool. She was headstrong, kinda bitchy, and didn't put up with any shit. She also had Down syndrome. Besides the lame Palin joke there was absolutely NOTHING that was offensive about her. So is the offense that she was depicted on teevee in the first place? That she behaved like a normal bitchy teenager? Tell me, dear readers, I want to know.

This whole controversy is fucking retarded. Palin, please log off.

UPDATED
OMG Andrea Fay Friedman—the best, most gifted actress in the entire f*king universe—has responded to Palin with the sweetest burn ever and you MUST read it it is awesome!!! She has Down syndrome and the most kick-ass sense of humor baby Jesus ever created.

Trig Palin's Mother is F*cking Retarded

Poor Trig. His mother's not getting enough attention this week. Maybe she needs a bottle?

As you have probably heard, Trig Palin's mother, who used to be a governor or something and who now does Facebook posts for a living, recently did a Facebook post calling on President Obama to fire his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel because Rahm--our favorite potty-mouthed silver fox at the White House--called liberals who are determined to primary Blue Dog Democrats "fucking retarded." Momma is outraged that Rahm would utter such a deliberate slur against her son.

Now, Trig Palin's mother's son Trig has Downs Syndrome and, bless his heart, now he has to go through the indignity of seeing his own mother make a comparison between Rahm's put-down and his good self. But why does she automatically think that the metaphorical use of the word "retarded" to describe Democrats has anything to do with her son? She must think he's a retard. (Or a Democrat?)

Rahm has now apologized for the comment, but Trig's mother ain't done. In her next Facebook post, which will be typed by Willow once she sobers up, Trig Palin's mother will demand that David Axelrod resign as chief advisor because of that time in high school when he called a girl a slut, which is obviously a dig at her daughter Bristol.

Fox's Expanding Brains Trust

I'm surprised there's been no mention, in the aftermath of the Bill O'Reilly reacharound with Sarah Palin (is that sexist? Towards O'Reilly?), of the fact that, when they started chattin' about North and South Korea over there, namely her alleged lack of understanding of why they are separate countries, Palin didn't offer any nuggets of stone cold knowledge learnin' about the Korean peninsula in her defense. She could have smirked 'n rolled her eyes (as she does), brought on the "high school bitchy" that Tina Fey famously referenced, and made some statement about how of COURSE she knows about the history of the DMZ and whatnot, proving forever that she can at least make an effort to Know Things. But she didn't and O'Reilly didn't even ask her to, deferentially. It was a gaping hole in the conversation.

Bill: You know about North and South Korea, right?
Sarah: Of course.
Bill: Good enough. Now, tell me this: why are you so gorgeous?

And how much do you wanna bet that Palin's answer to the question "Which of the Koreas is your favorite" would be: "All of 'em."

Words Strung Together

In a most delightful way.

About Sarah Palin, a fan says:

There is something about that woman that has destiny, whether it's in politics, to be president, or to host a talk show.

Ok, it's fine if she's president, but don't give this woman a talk show!

This Better Be Good, Sullivan [UPDATED TWICELY]

Folks, if you've followed the Sarah Palin saga at all over the past 100 years, you'll know that conservative/libertarian blogger and avowed homosexual of the "bear" variety Andrew Sullivan of the Atlantic is obsessed with her and all of her provable lies. Many people find him off-puttingly monomaniacal about it, but I don't, because I myself am obsessed with her and the cult surrounding her, not to mention the fact that she tells a fib every time she exhales. So I really enjoy all of his posts about her and, honestly, wish he would bitch it up a little.

Yes, Andrew Sullivan is pissed, and not just at Sarah. In fact, mainly at John McCain, whose fault she is. And he's been dedicated to keeping a close tally of all of her falsehoods for easy reference ever since she was tapped for VP before crashing and burning last November. Things went quiet after all of the postmortem stuff and, except for when there was further idiocy to report on (her resignation last July, her cancelation of speaking engagements at the last minute, Levi!), Sully was able to return to his other hobby horses, like pushing for marriage equality, reaming the Bush administration over torture, and, of course, praising the Pet Shop Boys. But things started ramping up last week when the pub date of Palin's dumb book started approaching like a runaway station wagon with only three wheels.

There were Palin blog posts galore, yay! I couldn't get enough. Sully and I were soul mates, going down a road of complete and utter psychotic fixation, and we would not. Be. Denied.

Then, yesterday, his blog went silent after he posted a "mental health break" video of Lady Gaga doing some weird Lady Gaga shit at 4:37pm. I refreshed and refreshed and refreshed, hour after hour after hour, and nothing. Just a Lady Gaga video, still. I thought, quite reasonably, that Lady Gaga had killed his blog somehow. (She's got powers.) But then, today at 11:44am, Sully posted a message "To Our Readers" explaining the silence: he and his staff have been reading Going Rogue, poor things. Money quote:

We have had the book for less than a day. We feel we owe it to you to get it right - or as right as we can - until we post or publish anything. As readers know, we also differ on some key issues and intend to air them and thrash this out until we are confident that whatever we publish is as fair as possible.

At some point, we will also go back and make sure we have not missed all the evidence of the other lies that Palin is now peddling. We won't miss anything. But we ask for your patience.

There is a possibility here of such a huge scandal that we would be crazy not to take our time either to debunk it or move it forward for further examination.

We have only one commitment: to get this right. Please bear with us as we do the best we can.

In a follow-up post later today, he assured his readers that he would be back tomorrow, posting as normal.

Ok, Sully. You have been officially indulged. I'm with you on all of this, even though people across the Internet--all across the Internet, Andrew!--are calling you crazy, unhinged, and a pig f**ker. But I'm standing by you. We're in this together, even though I'm not doing anything.

But this better be good.

------
**UPDATE**

He's back, and still obsessed, yay! Tell it to the haters, daddy!


**'NOTHER UPDATE**

Papa lays it out.

Happy Sarah Palin Day!

The world gets just a little bit sexier today with the release of The Divine Miss Sarah's soft-core porn odyssey through the swampy Id of American retardation. It's going to be like Heart of Darkness crossed with the down-home humor of one of those "Hang on 'Til Friday" posters, blended with the analytical public policy sophistication of the back of a cereal box, and then sprinkled generously with demonic possession. If that doesn't add up to "best seller" then book publishing really is dead.

Oh, and the catfight of the century is currently being waged between Sarah and blogger Andrew Sullivan, so you'll be wanting to check his site every five minutes or so to see get bloodletting updates.

I haven't been this excited since I happened upon Carrie Prejean's hairdresser at that piano bar/glory hole in Vegas.

Literature Update: Sarah Palin Wrote a Book

An exciting day it is today. This is the very last Friday we real Americans will ever have to live in a world without a book by Sarah Palin. As you no doubt remember, this blog ran the very first interview with Sarah Palin after she was tapped to be John McCain's Vanna White last year. This was a watershed moment in blog journalism (blourgalism) and was the last good interview she gave.

You are probably already very familiar with the cover of her book (above) and the provocative title, Last-Chance Lust, not to mention all the lame parody titles (Lust-Chance Last? Chest-Lust Bust? Come on, liberal media, you can do better than that. Those don't even make sense!)

This book will be released Tuesday and will obviously be on the shortlist for the Booker Prize, the Caldecott Medal, and the John Deere Book of the Month Club. Fingers crossed, Palin will follow up her Oprah interview on Monday with another sit-down with yours truly, at Grant's Tomb, in the cafe. Come on, Sarah! I'll bring the condoms and biscuits! I'll also be happy to supply you with a copy of the questions I'll be asking ahead of time, so your trusty spokescomic Megan Stapleton can read them to you.

hat tip: Hilary @ Publish and Be Damned for the book cover research

This Common Seal Is Not Convinced that Sarah Palin Actually Knows What "Orwellian" Means

Also known as a "harbor" seal, this common seal really wishes that Sarah Palin would give him a break.
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And this isn't an elitist seal, either. This seal is from Point Lobos, California, where seals live off the land and don't go to fancy ivy league schools where they learn how best to hate America. Still, this seal's favorite book is Animal Farm, so he knows his Orwell, and Sarah Palin, this seal believes very strongly, has no idea who the f*ck George Orwell was.

Sarah Palin, the now fulltime moose f*cker from Alaska, has lately taken to spending her weekends drinking meth cocktails and Facebooking, with results like:

Health care by definition involves life and death decisions. Human rights and human dignity must be at the center of any health care discussion.

Rep. Michele Bachmann highlighted the Orwellian thinking of the president’s health care advisor, Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the brother of the White House chief of staff, in a floor speech to the House of Representatives.

"Riiiiiiiiight," said the seal. "Who taught her that word? Bill Kristol?"

I'm with the seal. The last time the word "Orwellian" was used by an American politician, it was John Kerry, and Sarah Palin thought he was speaking French.

In conclusion, Sarah Palin will now shoot this seal from a helicopter, in typical Orwellian fashion.

Found: One Person on the Planet Who Had a Worse 4th of July Weekend Than Sarah Palin

This is great news. Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas got gored twice by a bull during a bullfight yesterday in Barcelona (his condition has been described as "grave," but he's alive, so get well, Jose!), proving that it is possible for a notable public personality to have a worse weekend than Sarah Palin. Sure, we had to leave the country to find one, but we've found one, and this means that Sarah Palin can still be president, hurrah!