My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Book Expo 2012

Well, it's June, kids, and once again, here I am, your faithful media personality, filing a report from Book Expo of America, NYC's annual galaxy-sized smut carnival clusterf*ck showcasing the best, the brightest, the most random, and the most embarrassing that the World O' Books has to offer. As you can see from the picture above, Satan himself was on hand promoting his new book, The Seven Hats of Devilishly Successful People, with a Foreword by his twin sister's anchor baby Ann Coulter. Everyone was selling something, so let's dive right in with SeeTimBlog's totally blinkered and blurry BEA coverage and try to discern something, anything.

Did you know that President Barack Obama is both a rank amateur and a great destroyer? Well, he is. Don't think about it for too long because you might tilt your head and wonder, "hmm, if he's such an amateur, shouldn't he be more of a sloppy destroyer?" But no! Because Obama is such a scary idiot oppressor, his amateurishness just naturally, clumsily brings about perfectly calibrated destruction. Get it? Don't think, just say yes!

Beaver Books Publishing is in the children's section, isn't that surprising? Oh look, it's Lemony Snicket!

A cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger was on hand to sign copies of Ruth Rendell's new book. (Or something, I don't know what's going on here.)

Had to get a pic of Satan's tail. It's a lot like Ann Coulter's, but thicker. (Ann's is skinny and gnarled, like her fingers.)

WaveCloud.com is apparently some new "Goodreads"-type site whose mission is to bring authors and readers together, or some such. Do we care? Only kind of! I just searched for my book (Tune in Tokyo, buy it!) on their site and turned up nothing. Nothing! BURN THAT SITE DOWN. Anyway, one of WaveCloud's gimmicky ways of getting notice at BEA was hiring folks to walk around with a big box of hot coffee on their back and a paper cup dispenser, so folks could give themselves a little pick me up. This, I think, falls in the "random" category of BEA happenings.

A very effective line of questioning. The government trusts God, so what's your problem? Also, the government trusts banks, the blindness of justice, and the U.S. Postal Service. So why are you always bitching?

Okay, here we go. It's truth time, y'all, so put on your aluminum veracity visors. Circling back to President Barack Obama, did you know that he plans to go house to house and murder all the white babies who aren't union thugs if he gets re-elected? Then he will turn around and just stone cold walk away, like he's doing in the cover photo above. Don't be fooled twice, sheeple! Because did you know that he also plans to take away your last remaining freedums, like the freedum to eat deep-fried butter while soaking in a tub full of melted Country Crock, the freedum to stand your ground against Skittles, and the freedum to go bankrupt because you can't afford the hospital treatment for your chronic butt rot condition? And that he will make Fox and Friends' Gretchen Carlson illegal? Obama will do all this and more, and so if he is re-elected, it means the end of days, because who can start their morning without the spastic absurdity of Gretchen Carlson smirking her way through an interview with some like-minded shill or other? (On the plus side, if you want Gretchen to be illegal, vote for Obama early and often!)

So, this book Fool Me Twice will lay all this out in words that the great unwashed masses of our country's greatest insane asylums can understand. And the publisher's gimmick for generating buzz about the book at BEA was to hire some poor handsome young black man who from behind bears a striking resemblance to our president. (Look at him on the lower right corner of the photo above. They have very similar heads!) He had the perfect sheen of gray on his hair, it was quite amazing. Sadly, the illusion falls apart when he turns around and shows us his handsome face, which bears absolutely no resemblance to our president's handsome face. Still, he's got the gestures and expressions down.

I hope he's getting paid well for doing this, because it can't be sitting well with his poor mother. Also, here's another thing:

I didn't take the opportunity to briefly have the World's Largest Afro, because I won that prize in high school. And now it's time for the most important photo of this entire blog post.

That's right: it's Michael Bolton and his aquiline nose. The woman in front of me was simply losing her shit. Losing it. Completely. In her defense, he did look pretty handsome. So anyway, he's got a book coming out in November called My Life, My Music. I can't think of anything I'd like to read less, but hey, I'm not his target market. His target market is millions of women like the woman who was standing in front of me. Good on him. (My target market, by the way, is illiterates.)

So! That's all I have for the floor show, but because I'm not just an intrepid reporter but also an author, I happily twirled on down to the Press Lounge for the Amazon Publishing swaray with my friend Alyson, where there was much free booze and opportunities to pose once again in front of the magnificent Gotham cityscape.

After a few photos, Alyson and I decided it was probably time to conjure some hell beasts to get the party started.

Alyson's hell beasts were better than mine because she used both hands. Anyway, they arrived, went straight to the bar, drank all the booze, and stole all the women, the end.

Holy Sh*tsnacks! Tune in Tokyo Hits #2 on the Wall Street Journal's E-book Nonfiction List!

Well this was unexpected! It appears that last week's download-a-palooza over at Amazon in light of the Kindle Daily Deal designation for Tune in Tokyo has somehow led to its being listed on an actual non-Amazon list, hooray! Sure, next week the book will probably have dropped to # a million, but so what/who cares, amiright? This is a day to celebrate the little guy (me) sitting pretty seven slots above the big guy (Bill O'Reilly) who works for Satan's own network (FOX News, duh). Does this mean that Jesus really loves me and thinks Bill is just terrible?

Maybe it does. But just for this week, probably.

Beatrice Podcast Interview With Moi

I recently had a discussion with Ron Hogan of Beatrice about my book Tune in Tokyo, and I didn't up calling anyone a slut, prostitute, or a feminazi, so I consider it a success! You can listen to it here.

It's part of a new podcast series Ron is doing called Life Stories, in which he talks to memoirists about writing and how they approach their work. His very first podcast in this series featured an interview with Heather Donahue of Blair Witch Project fame (she's got a memoir out about her transition from acting to becoming a marijuana farmer)--so I'm in good company!

Holy Crap, Tune in Tokyo Hit #1 on Amazon UK's Kindle List!

Wow, this was a surprise for the ages. I'm big in England! Or rather, I was fleetingly big in England last Thursday. By the time I found out about it on Friday I was down to #6 and I've been dropping ever since. (Right now I'm #85.) Still, being #1 on this list means I was, for a short time, ahead of Hunger Games! What is the world coming to? I don't even kill any children with a bow and arrow in my book. (Next one, maybe?)

How did it happen? Apparently TiT was a "Daily Deal" or something last week, chosen by the Kindle editors. So it was discounted somewhat. And people love cheap things, especially British people, because powdered wigs are expensive. So hooray for e-coupons or whatever!

The Advocate Reviews Tune in Tokyo!

Well this is a thrill. America's oldest gay magazine, The Advocate, has given Tune in Tokyo a great review. I came of age reading this magazine (well, flipping through it in hopes of finding dirty pictures), so I'm so excited they've given me a shout out. :)

Tune in Tokyo Reviewed in Tokyo's Metropolis Magazine

Yay! This is Tokyo's #1 English-language magazine and I'm thrilled to get all written up in there. Those of you who have read TiT may remember me mentioning this publication in the chapter "...And on Drums." I used its classified listings to find musicians to play with.

Anyway, you can read the review here.

New Interview Up Over at the Pubslush Blog

Pubslush Press is an interesting new publishing venture where writers can submit ten pages and a summary of a manuscript that will then be available to readers, and if the manuscript receives enough reader support it will then be published by Pubslush. And "for every book sold a book will be donated to a child in need." Awesome, no?

Anyway, so they interviewed me for their blog and its up on the site now here:

And here is a handy yootoob explaining the Pubslush deal.

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Book Expo 2011

Since the big rapture DJ party didn't happen on May 21, Book Expo of America 2011, the publishing industry's annual smut festival of doom, went on as planned this week at the Javits Center in NYC with all of its scheduled special guests. This year they included Jane Lynch, Julianne Moore, John Lithgow, and probably some other people, all appearing to meet their fans among the disgusting and depraved book people in attendance from across the globe.

Also! This year, unlike previous years, I was at Book Expo not just as an (un)official BEA photographer but also, thanks to the good people at Amazon, as an author OMG! Yes, as I mentioned previously, next fall Amazon Encore, an imprint of Amazon Publishing, will be publishing my book Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries, which I self published last summer, and to celebrate their growing publishing program they invited all of their authors to come to Book Expo and look sexy/tired. So on Tuesday I trolled on over to the Javits Center and got my Exhibiting Author badge, above for your viewing pleasure, and started exhibiting myself all over the damn place.

Onwards to the hot pix. Warning: they are often blurry.


I don't know what booth this was, but it's impossible for me not to take a picture of a table full of adorable stuffed animals. It's why I always get kicked out of FAO Schwartz.

This fancy gentleman is walking around with a box on his head pimping the book Proving God. Glad I decided not to wear mine.

Good Lord, Scientologists are weird. There was a poor girl, obviously kidnapped, dressed as a pirate and forced to hand out flyers at the giant L. Ron Hubbard booth. Right after I took this picture, the blonde woman on the right looked over at me with an expression that said, "I am going to eat your face." I returned her hungry gaze with my own that said "I will not let you eat my face."

Look at this photo of the Wimpy Kid sitting in a large snow globe surrounded by dark figures who don't seem to even notice him. I mean really look at it. It's saying something, isn't it?

Gross.

Winner of the Hottest Promotional Book Poster Award is up there on the left.

I'll give you three guesses what the title of the book in the middle of this picture is.

Pretty sure you didn't guess that right.

This is the Librarians At Play orgy booth. Things got a little unhinged right after this picture was snapped.

Just when I was giving up on seeing any celebrities, Dr. Ruth shows up at the Amazon booth to talk to Larry Kirshbaum, who has just been named vice president and publisher of Amazon Publishing's New York office. It took me a few tries, but I got my photo. She's very small and blurry.

Then, right after seeing Dr. Ruth, I walk outside and see this car that appears to be waiting for Ice-T. Did they write a book together?

Up next: the Amazon party at the Press Lounge! Above are little cookies with the titles of Amazon books on them. For some reason mine wasn't included (I was a late addition to the author list), which is sad because my book is delicious.

My ladyfriend Alyson looking awesome.

Me trying to get enough booze in me to get up the nerve to talk to some of these people.

The view from the Press Lounge's veranda.

Me and Alyson with any increasingly distopian midtown behind us. 

There's Larry again. 

Larry again.

Book Expo 2011, everybody!

Big TiT News!

Hear ye, hear ye, folks. A little publishing outfit in Seattle called Amazon--I think they have a website?--has picked up my book Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries for actual real (i.e., not self-) publication in paperback and as an e-book in December! Can you believe they've made such a reckless/brilliant business decision?! It's through one of their publishing imprints, Amazon Encore, and what's going on, has the world gone mad?

The answer is yes, but things won't go completely batballs crazy until December, so don't lose your shit yet. Above is the new cover for the book and, shockingly, it's a billion times hotter than the one I did. Who knew that actual graphic designers could improve upon the book jacket design work of a very fast typist like myself?

Sadly, Oprah has now gone off the air so it's not possible to be one of her upcoming book club picks. But that's ok, because who wants to have to sit and talk to Oprah?

Wanna Throw Up? This Should Help.

Hey aspiring writers! Have you pretty much given up on ever typing your way to any kind of decent income in this era of people only interested in reading free blogs and not wanting to buy any book not written by a trusted celebutard? Good thing, because today brings this news from Publishers Marketplace:

Top celebrity blogger Perez Hilton's THE BOY WITH PINK HAIR, the story of a child born with a shock of fabulous hair that sets him apart from his peers, who uses the opportunity to find what makes him special and share it with the world even as some find this difference hard to accept or understand, with illustrations by Jen Hill, to Raymond Garcia for Celebra Children's, with Steve Meltzer to edit, for publication in September 2011.

Ugh, is there a pair of words in the English language more dreary and depressing than "celebrity blogger"? No, there isn't. Yes, Perez Hilton, the much not-admired gaywad who types mean/stupid things about dumb famous people for a living, has a book deal. A children's book deal. Somehow this is worse than Bristol Palin getting a deal to write a memoir. Bristol's a Palin, therefore she's a grifter who will gladly take the wads of cash that right-wing publishing imprints throw at her with abandon. We expect her to and would be a little disappointed if she didn't.

But this Perez shit is just crazytown. Are parents clamoring for more books by awful pink-haired humanoids? Who is going to buy this bullshit? For their kids? And read it to them?

In conclusion, I would sooner read Going Rogue: Children's Edition to my gay son (if I had one), because it's never too early for a gay boy to practice reading a bitch.

Tune in Tokyo Successfully (If Fleetingly) Placed on a Bookshelf at the Strand Bookstore, NYC

Fans of my book Tune in Tokyo have obviously been clamoring for the book to be available in bookstores and not just for sale on Amazon. They've been climbing walls, overturning police cars, and setting themselves on fire in desperate attempts to have their voices heard. I feel your pain, dear readers. I also wish that bookstores would heed the wishes of the people. The people will not be silenced! It's almost exactly like what's going on in Egypt now. (Awesome/Tasteless Segue Into Topical Subject Award, please.)

Anyway, none of this is true, but if it were, fans of Tune in Tokyo would have been celebrating for roughly two hours last Thursday, when the book was placed on a display shelf downstairs at the mighty Strand bookstore here in NYC. The Women's National Book Association (of which I'm a member, because I'm every woman, as you know) was holding its first open mike night and I was on the standby list, yay! I didn't get a chance to read, but since I was on the list my book got some good face time on the display shelf of readers' works.

Another open mike night at the Strand is in the works for the spring, so hopefully my book will be available to buy at one bookstore in the world for two more hours in late April/early May. A victory for the people, in other words.

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Amy Sedaris, Borders, NYC

So I headed on down (up) to Columbus Circle last Thursday because Amy Sedaris was going to be doing craft demonstrations at Borders to promote her new book Simple Times. My goal in going was, of course, to buy a book and get it signed. My real goal in going, though, was to deliver into Amy Sedaris's hands my book, Tune in Tokyo, because you can never have too many celebrities holding your book publicly, and Amy would be the first. She had said during her presentation that she was not interested in receiving crafts from folks because she has too many already and will just strip any crafty things she's given for parts and throw the rest away (in several different trash cans so as not to hurt anyone's feelings). So she was clearly trying to keep to a minimum the number of things she would have to schlep home. What is a desperate, conniving author with a hidden agenda to do?

I waited in line for over an hour, and finally got to the table where she sat. She said hello and I greeted her with my trump card: "Hi! We went to the same high school! And we both had Mr. Armagida!" This would get her to like me, and perhaps trust me. We had a very abbreviated chit-chat about Sanderson High School while I got up the courage to give her my dumb book. Then the time came because the Borders employee was getting antsy to move things along (see the manically gesturing hand in the photo above).

"So," I said, "I know you don't want any crafts, but would you like a funny little book?" I asked, sweaty and panting.

"Sure, absolutely!" she said with what seemed like actual sincerity, but who knows? Anyway, I gave her my book, told her I wrote it, and pointed out that I'd signed it for her already so she didn't need to ask me to. Then the Borders employee tapped me on the shoulder because they were ready to take our picture with my camera phone, which I'd given to them before I stepped up to the table. So I turned to the camera and tried to dislodge my hand from my bag strap or whatever (I was holding her book, my bag, and my bicycle helmet, and I'd just given her my book, so I was a little bit tangled up) so I could give a thumbs up or something, but I was kind of stuck. So it looks like I'm totally gaying it up in the photo below, but I'M NOT GAYING IT UP SO STOP SAYING THAT. The important thing to notice in the picture, though, is that the book she's flipping through is MINE. Mission accomplished.



I took the below videos of her demonstrations, which were great even though I couldn't really see what was going on. The audio is great, so listen and learn.

Attention Christmas Shoppers

Dearest readers:

Do you happen to know what would make the perfect gift for the pole dancer, parole officer, dognapper, preacher, teabagger, go-go boy, cat lady, or ex-stepmother in your life? I do: My book! Tune in Tokyo: The Gaijin Diaries is available on Amazon, and if you act now a book will be delivered to the recipient of your choice via the U.S. mail. You don't see offers like this every day! So head on over to Amazon and clickety click!

Happy Sarah Palin Day!

Once again, real Americans get to roll around all day in a shit puddle of happiness because it's officially Sarah Palin book release day, yay! I posted the above video promo a few months ago and got zero respect for it by the lamestream media/random blog commenters, which is unfair because it's terrible! Anyway, to celebrate the further decline of American letters, I offer it unto you again. Enjoy it now, because when Sarah becomes president you'll only be able to watch videos like these via Taiwanese animation.

Important Book Marketing News: Tune in Tokyo Bookmarks A Go-Go

Everyone knows that any author who has self-published a book, even if that book is stupidly award-worthy like mine, faces an uphill struggle in the fight for visibility in the marketplace. People just don't care about your dumb project! That's why it's the author's job to make them care. Force them to care. Dare them to care. If you are successful at this then you will have a world full of people wondering what life was like before they cared about the book you wrote. And the best way to be successful at this is obvious: bookmarks.

People love bookmarks because they can be used for many things: picking your teeth, cleaning your fingernails, scratching your upper back, dusting the dandruff out of your hair. But did you know they can also be used to mark your place in a book so that you can go back to that place easily the next time you are on the toilet? It's true. So the good news for you is that I now have Tune in Tokyo bookmarks available. The first 10 people to email me and ask for one will get one. Just email me and tell me Tune in Tokyo is the book that made you want to be a dancer, and I'll send you several! Because you deserve at least that many.

Tune in Tokyo Gets Some Love from the Logo Channel!

Great news for you, readers! My book Tune in Tokyo has been written up by the Logo Channel's Trip Out Gay Travel site, yay! I know it's very important for all y'all to have new TiT-related things to read while blowing off work and touching yourself inappropriately.

Your welcome!