A Time-Lapse of Tokyo That Really Brings Me Back to My Replicant-Hunting Days

This is an excellent video with a totally appropriate Blade Runner soundtrack. It reminds me of the old days when I used to spend day after day after day scouring Tokyo's neon neighborhoods in my trench coat, carrying my laser pistol, listening to the Vangelis on my ear buds, and searching for Daryl Hannah, Joanna Cassidy, and bleach-blonde, soaking-wet Rutger Hauer so I could "retire" them, sexily. Those were some good times.

The Notice I Deserve

So Jimmy and I were watching the news the other night when a story about bedbugs came on. This topic fills us with mortal fear and dread, because, come on, bedbugs, yikes, good Lord. I was standing up and getting ready to strip down and get in the shower, but when the bedbug story came on, I stopped what I was doing and slowly, shakily, lowered myself to the couch, never once taking my eyes off the horrible teevee screen.

Any bedbugs story on the news is going to be rife with horror, but this one had an extra bit of random weirdness that gave me a start: early in the report (at around 00:28 in the above clip), my bobbing, bike-helmeted, disembodied head can be seen floating along the bottom of the screen. What? Yes. It's me. (Few other humans have this bike helmet.) On the screen. In a story about bedbugs. Is this foreshadowing?

NO IT IS NOT.

Oh HELL Yeah!

Did you ladies see Paranormal Activity last year? That shit was awesome and I don't want to hear otherwise so shut up haters from Gawker. (Does Gawker like anything? For real.)

That movie rocked. My girl Kristen and I, who are horror movie whores, saw it at the Angelika and the silence in the cinema (sibilance) when the movie ended was just priceless. No one could breathe! (Well, one Gawker commenter was probably there breathing, but so what/who cares?)

NOW THERE'S A SEQUEL AND IT LOOKS AWESOME.

The Tragedy of Forgotten Drag Icons

Ok, so i just finished watching season 2 of Ru Paul's Drag Race, the greatest program ever bequeathed to planet earth by Jesus and his sister Sheila. See above for the absolute best five seconds of television since Dynasty II: The Colbys went off the air. (A close second: when Ru Paul calls Rush Limbaugh a fat fuck. A close third: when Ru says to one of the contestants, Jujube, "Girl to girl, when did you lose control of this wig?")

I have one criticism, though. In two seasons I've yet to see one homage to Siouxsie Sioux, a drag icon if there ever was one.Yeah, I know, she's not American, and for some reason all drag icons in this funny country have to be American, because we're so wacky. What other country is going to give the world Liza Minnelli, Cher, AND Madonna, and then pass the Defense of Marriage Act? Huh?

Anyway, as much as I LOVE this show, its sense of gay/drag history, and its many wild and random non sequiturs, I was a little disappointed at its contestants for not acknowledging Siouxsie's many gifts to the drag community, three decades of deadly serious eyeliner, preposterous headdresses, and f*ck-you fright wigs (that were actually her real hair!) to name only three. I had high hopes when a whole episode was dedicated to "rock chicks." All the usual suspects were honored: Lita Ford, Beyonce, Joan Jett, Teri Nunn from Berlin. But no Siouxsie. This is wrong. Siouxsie is the closest a woman who isn't Joan Crawford or Bette Davis has ever come to being an actual drag queen. Don't believe me? Watch the videos below. All the way through, bitchez.

In conclusion, Siouxsie's eye shadow in the "Spellbound" video deserves its own reality show on the Logo channel.

A Clip in Honor of Traditional Marriage

In honor of Rush Limbaugh's recent nuptials, a clip that he can enjoy on his honeymoon.

Awkward Singing Fiddler Dept: Alexander Rybak

Oh, this video is terrible. And by that I mean awful. Eurovision, the annual Eurotrash song contest that gave ABBA its first taste of success in the 1970s, never disappoints in the "sequined and/or vested hilarity" department, and this year's winner, Norway's Alexander Rybak, is no exception. He's sure cute (for a fiddler), but he can't really sing and words can't really express how hideous this song is. Even by Eurovision standards this is appalling. By which I mean, obviously, that it's awesome.

Rodent-faced Dungeon Master Rudy Giuliani Making This Great Horned Owl Hungry

Good news, fans of the cuniculus undead: rat-faced troll Rudy Giuliani is doing the media rounds (well, the Fox media round) to complain about the Obama administration's plans to hold New York trials for the 9/11 conspirators. You'll be shocked to find out that after the World Trade Center Bombing in 1993, he held a completely different view! Watch this Daily Show clip, for proof:

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But that's not the biggest Giuliani news. SeeTimBlog can now confirm that the former NYC mayor's rodent-like face, oily outer coat, and long serpentine tail are making the above Great Horned Owl from Texas extremely hungry.

After seeing Giuliani's verminous face on Fox News, the owl was heard remarking to himself in the trees "God, I feel like I haven't eaten in freaking months after seeing that delicious piece of hell trash."

The owl went on to say that he hadn't seen "such a good looking plate of weasel relish since the '08 Republican presidential primary."

After being pressed, the owl did admit that it's their complete lack of self awareness that makes Republicans more tasty.

Birthday Serenade

Every year on my birthday my parents call me up and sing happy birthday to me. This year I decided not to answer the phone so I could get the recording on my voicemail. It's a show stopper, and inspired me to assemble some photos and put together a short video in celebration of myself. (It only took 4 photos to adequately celebrate myself.)

Feet of Fire: My Midtown Debut

One reason that I'm a famous concert pianist and not just some dumb anonymous blogger is because I can play "Chariots of Fire" on a giant piano with my feet. Why it's taken me so long to get a show in midtown Manhattan doing this is a mystery, but thankfully FAO Shwartz offered me a 20-second slot on their Tuesday afternoon line-up, so suck it, Beethoven.

Smackdown: Kirk Cameron vs. Romanian Spitfire

Well it's official, I have a new secret girlfriend (sorry, Rachel Maddow!). And a new favorite foreign lady (sorry, new First Lady of Japan!).

As you may know, former teen star and current tedious evangelical dingbat Kirk Cameron has a new project he's really excited about which will officially debunk Darwin's theory of evolution by using a new edition of the book itself to "prove" his point ("the call is coming from inside the house" approach) If you've even seen one of Kirk Cameron's dumb youtubes, you know that he needs to be slapped and hard. Here's a notable one in which Cameron passes over the Crazy Reins to Ray Comfort (porn name?) so that he can explain how the banana proves that God wanted us all to suck cock real good is a perfect food made by God for humans. Witness the airtight logic! Marvel at Ray Comfort's DSL! Stop laughing, this is scientific fact!

Anyway, this woman Christina in Romania is having none of Kirk Cameron's foolishness about the whole evolution thing, and she really deserves to win "Romania's Got Talent" for this 5-minute video she made of Kirk being a dumbass. At the very least she needs to be declared the new first lady of something (bananas?). There are lots of videos on her youtube channel that I will spend the weekend watching while sunbathing naked and flipping through the latest issue of Charles Darwin Unzipped.

North Carolina Republicans Still Dumb (After All These Years)

Ok, I'm still on vacation, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't post the above front page photo from Raleigh's News and Observer, which greeted my smiling face from the window of an Atlantic Beach newspaper box this morning.


Click the photo for hilarity.

You know, ever since Jesse Helms left the national stage of the U.S. Senate in Washington, DC and retired in my hometown of Raleigh, NC (more time to spend looking at all his Robert Mapplethorpe coffee table books in his secret office/kitten dungeon down in the basement, I guess)--and then worse, actually died, North Carolina has gotten short shrift in the national media when it comes to the prominent display of crazy dumb white people spouting about the coloreds through their jowls. That's just not right, because God knows, the crazy didn't leave North Carolina when Jesse did.

So thank baby Jesus for this health care debate, am I right? The dingbats were out in full force, 250 strong outside US Senator Kay Hagan's Raleigh office to oppose health reform and urge for greater regulation of birth certificates (no darkies). (If you haven't noticed the mistake in the woman on the left's sign yet, just hurry up and read the top line.)

Pure. Poetry.

My brother Kevin and I were just discussing what she would answer if you asked her what socialism was, and we both agreed that if she said "Nazis" you had permission to beat her upside the head.

And who is she kidding anyway? That bitch don't scrimp on the pubic option.

UPDATE: It appears the N and O has cropped the Photo of the Year on their website. Look here:



Freedom Works must have sent in their goons.

Oh, and just because I'm on vacation doesn't mean you shouldn't be having fun, so here's a video of Jack Imel tap dancing and playing the xylophone, just like I used to do while locked in the band closet in middle school during lunch.

Because Why Not?

Learning a new language is hard. It really takes dedication. I think this woman shows promise.

This Irritating, Cute Violinist Makes Me Want to Jerk Off, Throw Up, Cry

This guy. He's a piece of work. So cute. So talented. So smug. It's disgusting and wrong. The woman interviewing him clearly wants him to cut the crap and invite her onto his lap already. And he knows it, which is why he can't help but show off his lightening fast fingers on his stupid violin as she writhes in her chair.

But can he play "Chiquitita" on the viola with as much passion as I can? Probably.

The only consolation I can take from this profile of this annoying clown is that, judging from his feverish fingering, he probably give really awful handjobs. Thus, he's a failure as a human being and should be ashamed.

And I'm sure Connie Francis would much prefer my version of "Where the Boys Are." Connie loves an underdog.

David Letterman Has REALLY Upset 15 People Across the Nation

Holy shit, y'all. Watch this video and prepare to stare wide-eyed at the screen for two minutes. As you know David Letterman made a perfectly fine joke about Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin getting knocked up by A-Rod last week at a Yankees game. (Bristol Palin is famous for two things: being Sarah Palin's daughter and getting knocked up. Wait, three things: having a hot 'n dumb baby daddy.) Unfortunately for Dave, Bristol Palin wasn't actually at that game, but her 14-year-old little sister Willow was, so Sarah Palin, always willing to use her children to win a news cycle, was OUTRAGED that Dave made a joke about raping her daughter! You betcha.

So, right-wingers across the country summoned all of their brain power and sent 15 of their best and brightest to protest outside the David Letterman Show building in Manhattan. (For real, there were 15 people there and about 30 people from the media to cover these 15 people.)

My personal favorite moment, besides when a woman calls David Letterman's wife a slut and another says that David Letterman "rapes children with his mouth" (your child could be next!), is when one of these anger bears actually starts shouting about closing the borders. Because, really, why is David Letterman letting all of these illegals into the country?!

When will Sarah Palin denounce these people as harmful to the self esteem of young girls? And young bastards? And slutty spouses?

Best Chat Line Commercial in All of U.S. History

You remember when you used to stay up late watching teevee rather than trolling the internet for sex robots? I miss those days. Well, the above video should really take you back. It is the best phone sex commercial ever produced. Not only can these girls dance and seductively flick their hair, they can also sing! You know, like Cindy Crawford could sing with Little Richard backing her up in that awesome Charlie perfume commercial from 1993.

Just try to watch this video and NOT spend the rest of the day atonally screaming "Pick up the phone!"

What Exactly Is It—Besides That Thing in Her Hair—That Makes Meghan McCain a Republican?

I didn't pay much attention to Meghan McCain and her dumb blogging during the campaign because I was too terrified that her father would win the election, which I guess would have made her the First Blogger, at least until Vice President Palin shot her from a helicopter or something. I still don't pay that much attention to her (I never read her Daily Beast column, because life is too short already), but that doesn't mean she's not going to insert herself into my life, day after day, looking all adorable on the teevee. (Sorry, but she's cute.)

What I really don't get is... what exactly makes Meghan McCain a Republican? She's pro-life but believes in the right to choose, she loves the gays, she can't stand Ann Coulter and Laura Ingram, she's admitted to Rachel Maddow (when asked about whether she thinks a spending freeze would be a good idea) that she doesn't really understand the economy or numbers and stuff, so she's not a fiscal ideologue. So what does she believe in that classifies her as a Republican? Low taxes? Screwing teenage boys? Truck nutz?

Friday Hamster Blogging

I think this youtoob speaks for itself, but in case it doesn't, here's the breakdown: chipmunks singing about a hamster on a piano + popcorn = SO F**KING CUTE.