Wednesday, March 4

GOP Unveils New National Mascot

This is exciting, as the unveiling of a new corporate mascot always is. Can you even remember what your life was like before the gnome or the Geico lizard came into the picture? So dark, right? Well, fasten your seatbelts, because the GOP is getting ready to unleash a new mascot that isn’t Michael Steele, and it will change the way you look at the party forever, especially in urban/suburban hip-hop settings: witness the Dogbat (pictured above in Newt Gingrich’s back yard, in Compton).

Now, the Dogbat—certainly a fearsome beast of liberty—wasn’t the Republicans’ first choice, it must be said. Their initial inclination was to go with the hippopotamus because it is majestic and hates homos. Sadly, it also looked too much like Rush Limbaugh, and the Republicans didn’t want to confuse people. Their second choice—a brown leather D&G handbag engulfed in flames—was also a no-go, since test audiences kept thinking it was Ann Coulter. So they settled on the Dogbat, which, though one person at CPAC last weekend thought it was Mitt Romney, has largely tested well with base Republicans.

As we all know, Americans love dogs and fear bats, so fusing these two opposing but complementary instincts into one mighty distillation of the Republican message is the most inspired act of rebranding the GOP has attempted since Ronald Reagan. So the GOP is now ready to introduce the Dogbat to the rest of the country, sit back, and wait for power to once again be theirs.

By the way, the Dogbat does not bark. It whinnies.