Sad Realization Followed By a Happy One

With a heavy heart last night, I started coming to grips with the fact that I was going to have to start watching the new season of Celebrity Apprentice. Last night Jimmy admitted he'd been watching it while I was away on Sunday nights at band practice. (I'm in a band!)

"And Dionne Warwick is a bii-hi-iiitch," he said.

"Really?! That's awesome! What did she say?"

"What didn't she say? And I think LaToya Jackson is retarded."

Oh shit, Dionne Warwick is a Grade-A C*nt I can't wait! I thought to myself. Then I read on Gawker the most incredibly succinct compliment one can give another human when they described Marlee Matlin as a "fierce bitch." Shit, maybe I should be watching this tedious, awful show.

Then I visit Salon, find out sweet-potato-headed slob Donald Trump is now a pretend birther, and decide I am no longer obligated to tune in, no matter how much I'd like to see NeNe bitchslap Star Jones for me. Jimmy and I can just act that scene out for ourselves. (I get to be NeNe.)

Political Leakage Dept: Promotional Video for Sarah Palin's New Book!

Folks, does the sound of Sarah Palin's inane twaddle, spat in that god-awful mean girl yelp, make you want to, one by one, jab a whole can of peanuts in both ears, while crying? Does it make you want to grab your cat and run its claws down the chalkboard in your living room so as to drown out the horror? Also, does her Twitter account make you wish the Internet had never been invented by Al Gore?

In short, does Sarah Palin's whiny, grating, hella bitchy snarl of voice make you reflexively want to go back to high school and smack that bitch you hated in the face with a rubber chicken? Repeatedly?

And when you heard she has a new book coming out, did you consider eating your own face off?

This video is for you. Watch to the end, not just because it gets majestic but also because if you make it through the whole thing you earn a Cub Scout merit badge for carpentry/masochism.

Thanks to the Primitives for the music.

Good Lord, This Carrie Prejean

You know how when you see a big blond train wreck full of blood and guts and lipgloss and confetti you just can't look away? Because it is just so dazzling? Well that big blond train wreck, professional former pageant walker and fake boob display case Carrie Prejean, visited Larry King last night and set CNN ablaze with cagey bitchiness. Larry King is the talk show host known for never asking a question more probing than "And how was your day?" but Carrie obviously thinks that this is an inappropriate question, because why is Larry King such a victimizer?

Well Carrie is having none of this, so she takes her microphone off and starts chatting to an imaginary friend off camera. But like any child of God, she can't bring herself to just stand up and leave, because then how would she be filmed? And how will she spread her message of Christian sex tapes? So she just sits there and whines without a microphone but refuses to go away. Shouldn't a lady with a French last name be more sophisticated?

Carrie Prejean is totally ready to be our next vice president.

Kansas Rep. Lynn Jenkins Has Got a Big Mouth

You might think I'm referring to her recent careless and retarded (but only mildly racist, let's be honest) comments to a gathering in her district that the GOP is looking for a "great white hope" to stop Obama's and the Democrats' agenda. No, I'm not actually referring to that.

I'm referring to her actual mouth. That thing is freakin' huuge.

Bitchez Caught on Tape

So, everyone on the planet has now seen the youtube of Susan Boyle singing her heart out on Britain's Got Talent. (If you haven't, ask your mom about it because I guarantee she will have seen it and posted it on her Facebook.) Anyway, so Susan is going to be the Next British Sadsack Who Melts the Heart of the World (following in the footsteps of Paul Potts), and that's just fine because I love this woman and her giant eyebrows and her cat Pebbles so much.

But you know who I really want to hear from? The unfortunate lass in the above screen grab who was unlucky enough to have her bitchy dismissive eye roll captured on film when Susan came on stage and announced that she wanted to be a professional singer. The entire crowd was geared up to chew Susan up and spit her out, but this sad girl was chosen by the camera man to represent the seething audience's readiness to pounce. And now Susan Doyle is a household name and this girl has been seen oh around 16 million times on youtube rolling her eyes with disdain for the new Underdog Hero of the World. That's sad. Because, really, it could have been anyone in that audience.

That's right, there were lots of bitches in that audience. Lots of mean, dreary bitches who are probably perfectly nice when they're not sitting in a giant room together hungering for the opportunity to collectively laugh at someone's dreams. But the cameraman could only choose one bitch for this particular shot, and he chose that bitch, poor thing. I feel for her. It reminds me of the time I was mouthing the words "I hate you so f**king much" to my high school girlfriend while she was checking her makeup and she looked over and busted me. I mean, it could have been anyone in that room that got busted. We were all doing it.