Friday, December 10

Check Out This Sh*t

My admiration for very large statues is well documented on the pages of this blog. I love them more than sugar mixed with some melted butter and drizzled over pound cake. They are that important to me. So I was very excited when I received a Facebook message from a friend with the subject line "Um... I know you like big statues and all..." and a link to a picture. That told me I was in for a real treat and perhaps a new holiday destination. So I went all clickety click and was taken to a site displaying the above photo of a giant statue of ... Paul Bunyan? In a mall? At a Christmas display? Taking a huge dump?

There are many mysteries in this confusing world of ours. When will Jesus come back to save all the faithful, like Grover Norquist, Miss Piggy, and Beyonce? What happens when Charlie Sheen runs out of hookers and blow? Why do I always feel dumber after watching The Learning Channel? Many many mysteries, puzzles, enigmas wrapped in secrets rolled in cryptograms. All worth solving! But this? This is just. I don't know the word because I just can't stop thinking of the BIG FUCKING TURD STEAMING UP THE CHRISTMAS DISPLAY AT THIS TERRIBLE MALL AND EVERYBODY'S JUST WALKING AROUND LIKE IT'S TOTALLY NOT WEIRD THAT THERE'S CANDY CANES ON ONE SIDE AND A BIG FUCKING TURD ON THE OTHER. (And who shits all big and neat like that?! This sculptor is lying to you, children.) Also, what is he planning on doing with that candy cane?

All I want for Christmas is to never have seen this picture. Is there an app for that yet?