Wednesday, February 25

Bitter, Resentful Unpublished Author Dept: Most Annoying "Deal" in Today's Lunch Weekly




Lord knows I’m not terribly interested in picking rotten fruit off the Publisher’s Lunch Weekly Deal Tree every week, but some of it is so low-hanging that it can’t help but smack you in the face and demand that you blog about it.

So here we are again, with me—a bitter, resentful unpublished author—bitching about the deals that have been made in the New York publishing world this week. You might think I’m going to single out Kathy Griffin’s just-inked deal for her memoirs. I’m not. You know why? Because there’s something even more hilarious that will soon be unleashed into the atmosphere, like a turd into a casserole dish. Witness:

Jackass co-creator and skateboarder Bam Margera's SERIOUS AS SH*T WATER, a collection of diary entries, travel journals, photos, stunt lists, drawings, collages and sex confessions, to Jacob Hoye at MTV Books, by David Vigliano and Michael Harriot at Vigliano Associates (world).

Yes, that Lunch Weekly blurb contained the words “jackass,” “skateboarder,” “stunt lists,” and “MTV books.” Whatever, that’s fine. This is all fine. I’m a fan of books and, sure, I’m glad (kind of) that Bam wrote one (kind of).

But can I just impress upon you how humbling it is for this nobody blogger and aspiring NY Times Bestseller List chart topper to know that, very soon, Bam Margera will be able to put the word “Author” next to his name, right next to “Sirius Satellite Radio Show Host” and “Inventor of the Garbage Juicer”?

Tuesday, February 24

Tranny Report: Rio!



You know, the best trannies are the ones that give you pause and make you carefully consider the truth about their below-the-belt genetics. Looking at the lovely Gracyanne Barbosa, queen of the drums' section of Mangueira samba school in Rio, I was thoroughly convinced, without reservation, that I was looking at a beautiful woman. Then I looked at her midsection and the myth was thoroughly busted. Those have to be the scariest abs I've ever seen--scarier than Madonna's arms. So scary, in fact, that the pink-clad Brazilian elf who is supposed to be standing beside her is crouching behind her plumage, fearing for his life and the life of his chiffon. He's right to be scared, I think; those abdominals look pissed.

Monday, February 23

Shootin' It: In Which Jimmy and Tim Briefly Discuss the Issues of Our Times



While watching the presentation of Best Actor at last night's Oscars, we are both struck by Mickey Rourke's melting leather face displayed on our new HD teevee, but for different reasons.

Jimmy: Mmmm. That is one fine looking man.
Tim: I'm sorry, what?
J: Mickey Rourke. He's fine.
T: Yikes.
J: What?
T: Are you serious? He looks all waxy and gross.
J: Oh please. He's cool as shit. Look at that damn pinky ring!
T: Uh-uh.
J: It's a gold-encrusted, diamond-sprinkled, crescent roll-shaped pinky ring.
T: Are you about to sing?
J: He shits ice cubes! And not small ones, either. Them bitches are freakin' glaciers.
T: Ok, I don't even know what that means.
J: That he's cool as shit!

Friday, February 20

This Guy is Gonna Bring Hip-Hop Back to the GOP



Michael Steele is the new Republican National Committee Chairman, and my new favorite GOP hero, beating out (narrowly!) Virginia Congressman Eric Cantor (a white man), who is so smarmy, so smirkily awful, such a freakin' wonderland of douchey Republican whiteness that you just know he f**ks teenage boys. Anyway, Michael Steele, who, despite the name, is (sadly) not a gay porn star, wants to reclaim hip-hop for the GOP.

Everyone knows that hip-hop was invented in the early '80s by Ronald Reagan in order to scare the nation's white folks into voting for him. Well, Michael Steele, in an interview with the Washington Times (somehow an actual newspaper), wants to take back the hip hop party from the libruls and make it Grand and Old. He says that his party is in need of what the kids are calling "urban-suburban hip hop settings." In other words, he got 99 problems but Ann Coulter, a bitch, ain't one.

The GOP must immediately pursue Steele's plan and hurry up before Eric Cantor gets caught f**king a Congressional page.

Thursday, February 19

Ambitious German Skier Decorates World's Largest Coconut Cake



I’m so jealous of this guy. First of all, I love coconut cake. It’s delicious. But also, every time I try to decorate a cake with my snow skis, I end up having to call Jimmy at work and scream at him to get home quick, and to pick up some pliers, sandpaper, nail polish remover, and a few bottles of baby oil.