Shootin' It: In Which Tim and Jimmy Get Tawdry

Jimmy: I made up a new sex act today at work.
Tim: What is it?
J: It's called "The Burning Bag."
T: Sounds sexy. What is it?
J: So when you're [REDACTED] and you [REDACTED], you take a [REDACTED] on your partner's stomach.
T: That's disgusting.
J: Yeah, it's kind of a mean sex act.
T: It's not really a "sex act."
J: It is if you're both naked.
T: Anyway, isn't that what's called a "Hot Lunch"?

Thank you!

Shootin' It, In Which Tim and Jimmy Discuss the Issues of Our Times. Tonight, Gay Marriage in New York

Tim: Hey, if New York legalizes gay marriage should we get married?
Jimmy: No, I'll ruin your credit.

Guess that settles it!

Cage Matches I'd Like to See

Jimmy and Tim discuss the issues of our times:

Tim: You know what I'd like to see? A Michelle Obama-Sarah Palin cage match.
Jimmy: That'd be good.
Tim: Totally. Poor Michelle sure deserves one.
Jimmy: Except Sarah Palin would win.
Tim: Nu-uh. Michelle would sling Sarah's ass all over the damn place. She's from the south side of Chicago! And Sarah called her husband a terrorist!
Jimmy: Doesn't matter. Michelle's not inherently evil and crazy like Sarah Palin. So Sarah will win.
Tim: Interesting world view.
Jimmy: Sad but true.
Tim: Is it wrong that I really want Michelle to tear Sarah's face off and feed it to Bo the dog?
Jimmy: I'd rather see Sasha and Malia do that.

Shootin' It, in Which Tim and Jimmy Discuss the Issues of Our Times. Today's Topic: The White Stripes' Jack White's Wife's New Music Video

Tim: Oh Lord, get ready for a pose-a-thon. This one's a model.
Jimmy: (silent judging)
Tim: (loud clearing of throat)
Jimmy: Hmm.
Tim: (barely audible removal of eye junk)

[ONE MINUTE LATER]

Jimmy: I kind of like this song.
Tim: Me too.
Jimmy: Too bad about the hair.
Tim: Right?
Jimmy: She shouldn't do that.
Tim: You're just jealous because she HAS hair.
Jimmy: If I had hair I would never do that.
Tim: Even if Jack White made you? For rock 'n roll?
Jimmy: I'd shave my head again.
Tim: Bangs are dangerous.

NYC Eated by Snow: Day 2

Tim and Jimmy on the phone, 2:20 p.m.:

Tim: So you made it into work ok.
Jimmy: Yeah.
T: I had horrible visions of you slipping on the step and cracking your head open. Would have been a real shame since we just cut your hair this morning.
J: Yeah, all that blood.
T: You should see the courtyard here. It’s beautiful.
J: Any blood?
T: No, just snow.
J: Hmm.
T: Not impressed?
J: I’m bored of snow.

Shootin' It, In Which Jimmy and Tim Continue to Discuss Lost, Season 5

Jimmy: Why hasn't Richard Alpert taken his shirt off yet?

Tim: It's been, like, three seasons!

Jimmy: That's a disgrace. I'm sick of seeing Sawyer's tired leather pecs.

Tim: Why isn't this guy on the cover of every magazine created by humans?

Jimmy: Because his name is Nestor maybe?

Tim: If he's married I'm gonna barf.

Jimmy: Oh! He's got a whole DVD special feature dedicated to him!

Tim: He better f**king take his shirt off in it.

Jimmy: I wanna see bush.

Tim: I did a Google image search of him and there isn't a single shirtless picture. That means none exist.

Jimmy: I bet [our friend] Brian has one.

Tim: F**king call him!

Shootin' It, In Which Tim and Jimmy Discuss the Issues of Our Times. Today: Lost, Fifth Season

Tim: Wait, why did they go back to the island again?

Jimmy: So the other people won't die.

Tim: And why are they gonna die again?

Jimmy: Because of the island.

Tim: But how?

Jimmy: Because of the island.

Tim: You don't know, do you?

Jimmy: Who cares?

Shootin' It, in Which Tim and Jimmy Discuss the Issues of Our Times: Today, Levi Johnston

Tim: So, you looking forward to Levi Johnston's spread?

Jimmy: Whose spread?

Tim: Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin's grandbabydaddy's Playgirl spread.

Jimmy: Oh that idiot.

Tim: Jimmy! He's an important political figure!

Jimmy: For who?

Tim: For schadenfreude lovers!

Jimmy: Who's Schadenfreude?

Tim: But don't you think this is hilariously embarrassing for Sarah Palin?! Aren't you just hungry for more dirt from him?! Don't you want him to have his own show?! Don't you see in him the downfall of her political future and the security of our republic?! [heaving, heavy breathing, coughing] Don't you?!!

Jimmy: He's probably nasty down there.

Shootin' It: In Which Jimmy and Tim Discuss Jimmy's Plans for His Day Off

Tim: So what are you gonna do on your day off tomorrow?

Jimmy: [moves right hand in the universal hand signal for 'jerk off']

Tim: I see. And what will you do after that?

Jimmy: [sensuously moves index and middle finger in a graceful, back-and-forth motion and twists his wrists slightly, performing the universal hand signal for 'double digit penetration']

Tim: Hmm. Ok, and after that?

Jimmy: [takes the same index and middle finger and wipes them both on his shorts once, twice, three times]

Have fun, Jimmy! (Wash your hands.)

Shootin' It: In Which Jimmy and Tim Discuss Their Forthcoming Beach Vacation

Tim: What books are you bringing?
Jimmy: I'll just find some when I get there.

Tim stuffs some books into his bag, including two Agatha Christie novels.

Jimmy: Gay much?
Tim: (holding up a copy of What Mrs. McGillicuddy Saw) What's gay about Agatha Christie?
Jimmy: (???!)

Tim tosses into his bag some Hemingway novel or other.

Bye, losers! We're off to join the South Korean military!

Shootin' It: In Which Jimmy and Tim Discuss the Pressing Issues of the Day

While watching a scene in Damages where coked-up Ted Danson is screwing some woman in a car, Jimmy and I discuss what our cat Stella gets up to during the day when we're at work.

Jimmy: She f**ks random cats in the alleyway.
Tim: She does what?!
J: Yeah, she f**ks cats in the alleyway and does a bunch of coke.
T: Shit! Now, does she do coke before she goes down to the alleyway or does she go to the alleyway for coke?
J: Oh, she has her own stash up here.
T: So she goes down to the alleyway just for sex.
J: Yes. Jesus, she's not a coke whore.
T: That's my girl.


Stella is not a coke whore.

Shootin' It: In Which Jimmy and Tim Briefly Discuss the Issues of Our Times

While watching the presentation of Best Actor at last night's Oscars, we are both struck by Mickey Rourke's melting leather face displayed on our new HD teevee, but for different reasons.

Jimmy: Mmmm. That is one fine looking man.
Tim: I'm sorry, what?
J: Mickey Rourke. He's fine.
T: Yikes.
J: What?
T: Are you serious? He looks all waxy and gross.
J: Oh please. He's cool as shit. Look at that damn pinky ring!
T: Uh-uh.
J: It's a gold-encrusted, diamond-sprinkled, crescent roll-shaped pinky ring.
T: Are you about to sing?
J: He shits ice cubes! And not small ones, either. Them bitches are freakin' glaciers.
T: Ok, I don't even know what that means.
J: That he's cool as shit!