Sad Realization Followed By a Happy One

With a heavy heart last night, I started coming to grips with the fact that I was going to have to start watching the new season of Celebrity Apprentice. Last night Jimmy admitted he'd been watching it while I was away on Sunday nights at band practice. (I'm in a band!)

"And Dionne Warwick is a bii-hi-iiitch," he said.

"Really?! That's awesome! What did she say?"

"What didn't she say? And I think LaToya Jackson is retarded."

Oh shit, Dionne Warwick is a Grade-A C*nt I can't wait! I thought to myself. Then I read on Gawker the most incredibly succinct compliment one can give another human when they described Marlee Matlin as a "fierce bitch." Shit, maybe I should be watching this tedious, awful show.

Then I visit Salon, find out sweet-potato-headed slob Donald Trump is now a pretend birther, and decide I am no longer obligated to tune in, no matter how much I'd like to see NeNe bitchslap Star Jones for me. Jimmy and I can just act that scene out for ourselves. (I get to be NeNe.)