Good Lord, This Carrie Prejean

You know how when you see a big blond train wreck full of blood and guts and lipgloss and confetti you just can't look away? Because it is just so dazzling? Well that big blond train wreck, professional former pageant walker and fake boob display case Carrie Prejean, visited Larry King last night and set CNN ablaze with cagey bitchiness. Larry King is the talk show host known for never asking a question more probing than "And how was your day?" but Carrie obviously thinks that this is an inappropriate question, because why is Larry King such a victimizer?

Well Carrie is having none of this, so she takes her microphone off and starts chatting to an imaginary friend off camera. But like any child of God, she can't bring herself to just stand up and leave, because then how would she be filmed? And how will she spread her message of Christian sex tapes? So she just sits there and whines without a microphone but refuses to go away. Shouldn't a lady with a French last name be more sophisticated?

Carrie Prejean is totally ready to be our next vice president.

New Fun Thing: Xtra Normal

I've just come upon a web technology that will change the way we communicate. It's called Xtranormal, and, if you're a writer, you can use it to give voice to all that idiotic typing you do all day only to be told by Random House "who are you and what are doing hiding in the mail room with the company dildo?"

Now, instead of writing short stories, submitting them to tediously negative and cowardly literary journals and such, and dealing with the requisite nasty emails from them saying to stop harassing them and stop submitting stories that they don't think are even written in English, we "writers" can offer the world our unpublished stories, in an audiovisual dimension, without the obnoxious and repressive standards that the gatekeepers in the literary world impose upon us.

As such, I present to you a story,"Boy Inadvertent," that I entered in Opium Magazine's "500-word Memoir" contest last spring only to be cruelly and utterly ignored, not even receiving a "thank you for submitting" or even a " this piece of shit blew, so thanks but no."

This powerful story of my life would never be heard from again it seemed. But then: Xtranormal. Thank you, Internet.

Time for More Siouxsie

Y'all, it's been a while since I've posted on Siouxsie Sioux, my fairy godmother. Maybe it's the recent Halloween festivities that brought me back in touch with my love of eyeliner and lipstick, but I've been missing her. She helped me through my awkward teenage years and actually taught me how to give really good head to a vampire, so obviously I'm in her eternal debt.

Siouxsie, where's that next solo album, huh? Hurry up.

I Love My Dad

You guys, it's not often I get serious on this blog, but I'm fixin' to get ready to be serious. My dad, Don Anderson—born in California, raised in Jamestown, NY and Rome, GA, and then settled in Gulfport, MS and then Raleigh, NC to raise a family—has Alzheimer's disease, and he and my mom were recently featured on Raleigh, NC's local WRAL newscast in a segment about dealing with the disease. They both look so awesome! He's got his trusty dog "Lillybit" that he carries with him everywhere (and who just mistrusts the hell out of me for some reason; it's ok, I don't trust her either). The work they've done on the house really looks great and there's a picture of my Aunt Gerry behind mom looking like a giant meringue in that hat, the way God intended.

There's also a gratuitous family photo in which I'm so obviously the gay son it's not even funny.

Dad, you look great on TV. And even better on the Internet.

Dutch Dingbat Rebuilds Noah's Ark, Thereby Proving Its Biblical Truth

Have you folks received this hysterical (in ALL senses of the word) email forward yet from all y'alls momz? About how a guy in Dutchland built a replica of Noah's Ark according to the building specifications that God laid out in the scriptures? Dutch Creationist Johan Huibers apparently built this flotation device "as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible." That's great for him and for all Christians, because now they have proof that the measurements laid out by God are structurally sound.

Now all Johan needs to do is gather together two of the same species of EVERY ANIMAL ON THE PLANET and tuck them away in their bunks in his new ark, take some pictures (no Photoshopping), and all of our religious doubts will be vaporized once and for all. Then we can all lose our shit and start talking to burning bushes, taking up residence in the bellies of whales, and, most fun of all, blaming women for eating apples and thereby forcing us to feel bad about walking around naked. Then we can start dealing with the muslins.

Is this guy friends with Sarah Palin on Facebook yet?

All I know is, Johan has definitely strengthened my belief in the Biblical truth of red sweaters and hot porn 'staches.