Wednesday, May 6

Editorial: When A**holes Collide

Perez vs. Mary Magdeline

This whole Miss California/Perez Hilton kerfuffle is just another piece of positive proof that, just like with the celebrated death matches of, say, Rosie O’Donnell vs. Barbara Walters, or Glenn Close vs. Michael Douglas, or Rush Limbaugh vs. Megalon, sometimes both sides of a spat are being total a**holes.

As you all know, Miss California, Carrie Prejean, recently lost the Miss USA pageant for being an awful Christian bigot. Here’s what happened: during the question-and-answer segment of the competition, during which all finalists must prove that they can offer meaningless platitudes in reasonably clear English-type language, Miss California was asked by one of the judges—in this case, the sometimes-not-odious Perez Hilton, Professional Gay—whether she would support gay marriage. Prejean responded that she thinks its great that we live in a country where people can choose same-sex marriage or “opposite marriage” but that “I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. . . That’s how I was raised.” At which point she surrendered all hope of winning the contest, duh. (Because who wants a beauty queen who doesn’t like the gays? I mean, really, who does she think did her makeup?)

Since this brouhaha, Prejean has appeared in a promotional video for the National Organization for Marriage to promote “opposite marriage” and has basically become the new spokes-Barbie for the traditional marriage movement. Which means it’s about time for some racy photos of her to surface, which did a few days ago. Now she’s crying foul, saying she’s being targeted by the gay mafia for her religious beliefs. Which, um, yes, and yes.

Here’s the thing: Perez Hilton was being a dumb a**hole when he posed the question at the pageant. Why? Because she’s not running for office, she will wield no power if she wins, and IT’S THE MISS USA F**KING PAGEANT. That’s why. Ask her about world peace. Or melting pots. Or famine. Or literacy. Or maps. But don’t ask her about gay marriage. That brings politics into a place where no one wants it; they just want to look at pretty girls and their boobs.

Here’s the other thing: Prejean is also an a**hole, obviously, because she’s a brainless hypocrite. She believes in traditional marriage, but her brand of moralistic Christianity also obviously allows her to sex it up in photo shoots, just like in traditional marriage. (Is that how she was raised?) Also: why didn’t she just answer the question as if she wanted to win the contest? Did she come this far to stand (in heels) on principle? Again, it’s Miss USA, not Miss UN. It’s a souped-up hooker competition. Why didn't she just say "I believe in love" or something like that? You want to stand on principle and be taken seriously, princess, why don’t you put some clothes on and learn some debating skills?

In conclusion, Vanessa Williams was the best Miss America ever.