Sunday, February 21

Glamour Shots: Tim at the Sleep Clinic

I. Am. Sizzling. And believe it or not I slept like a rock.

You know, having all of these wires connected to my face, head, legs, torso, and abdomen—about an hour's worth of work for a poor technician named Pedro—really reminded me of the months I spent portraying Freidrich von Trapp in The Sound of Music at Raleigh Inn Dinner Theater in 1984 and the pre-performance ritual I would go through before going on stage to deliver unto the unwashed suburban masses of 1980s North Raleigh an immaculate performance of such crowd-pleasers as "Doe, a Deer," "Edelweiss," and "So Long, Farewell" (yes, I did the high note).

I would sit before the vanity mirror in the dressing room I shared with the hot guy who played Rolf and the guy who played the butler and have layer upon layer of eyeliner, mascara, base, rouge, and teeth whitener applied to my thirteen-year-old face by Mother Abbess, who for some reason was assigned as my makeup artist. Not because I really wanted all that stuff on my face or because the role demanded it but because the actress who played Mother Abbess in our production was a big old lesbian who wasn't very good with the cosmetics. She just didn't know when to quit. So I always went out on stage looking like a drag queen and feeling as happy and self-confident as I do in the above picture. But at least I got paid $8 per performance. My co-pay for this sleep study was $40.

Thankfully, Pedro knew what he was doing and did an expert job of keeping all of those wires straight. When he came in and woke me up at 5:45 AM on Saturday morning and asked me how I slept, I said "really well, actually." He nodded vigorously and said "yes you did!" He also said that my test was "really good." All of this means that he and his co-worker were definitely watching me on the closed circuit TV all night, eating popcorn, and laughing their butts off at my terrible snoring.

Overall, the experience was weird, but fine. Sadly, there was only one channel on the TV in my bedroom. Good thing I like Olympic Ice Dancing.