Wednesday, March 10

Showering with Rahm

Folks, it turns out that one of the privileges/drawbacks of serving in America's Congress is that you get to/have to shower with White House Chief of Staff/Executive Silver Stallion Rahm Emanuel in the Congressional gym. This makes total sense. As you know, Congress is the location of America's daily metaphorical dick-measuring contest, in which whoever proves that they have the largest one (extra points for thickness) gets to push through their agenda. But really, just like in the best gay pornos, the showers is where the work really gets done.

Now, Emanuel's job is to ensure that the president's agenda gets implemented, so naturally he must spend a lot of time in the congressional showers laying out the reasons that representatives should get on board. This means that poor Rahm has to see a lot of things that other human Americans are mercifully spared--that is, naked, saggy representatives. It also means that naked representatives are allowed to see something that, alas, we other human Americans are denied--that is, Rahm Emanuel's superhuman cock and pendulous, low-swinging balls—the Genitalia of Hot 'n Luscious Liberty.

It's a sad truth of our democracy that you have to be elected by the people in order to see such massive instruments of change in action, but we can sate our curiosity with images like the above one of Rahm and now-disgraced Representative Eric Massa taken by Eric Cantor and uploaded to his flickr account. This was shot right before Rahm famously started digging his index finger into Eric Massa's chest and yelling at him about being a dumbass. What most people don't know is that the finger-pointing incident was just a prelude to the Dickslapping Opera of Death Rahm went on to visit upon a crouched and hysterical Massa, who bathroom attendants say enjoyed every last minute of it.

Massa has now resigned from Congress to embark on a new career as a Tickle Party Planner.