Wednesday, February 8

My Plan to Destroy Traditional Marriage Almost Complete Mwa Ha Ha

So Jimmy and I twirled on down to the City Clerk's Office here in NYC (kidding; we're too old to twirl) on Monday to finish our paperwork for Ruining Traditional Marriage 4 Ever LOL. (Bumper sticker forthcoming.) We're both very excited about the prospect of demolishing the marriages of Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, and Kim Kardashian. (Wait.) After we say our vows and such next Monday in our matching tracksuits we will have completed our master plan, and within minutes, (1) dumb Todd Palin will be sucking the cock of tea party nutbag Joe Miller on the snowy tundra of Alaska while Mitt Romney leans against a snow blower and strokes himself, (2) right-wing wind-up Barbie Gretchen Carlson will mercifully trade that awful helmet hairstyle in for "the Ellen," and (3) Sarah Palin and Fox's Megyn Kelly will check into a Days Inn under cover of night to officially become scissor sisters, yay. (This last relationship, interestingly, will be frantically supported by all remaining straight Republican males for about six minutes every day, while they're alone in their bathrooms.)

Jimmy and I, in short, will not rest until every single human in the United States, even the fugly ones like every single dude at Fox News and all members of any tea party anywhere, are naked, sweaty, and plowing the fields of Godless gay love furiously, feverishly, phonetically, until the entirety of God's country is covered in a glaze of gross santorum and used dildos.

Once our plan is finally complete we will then take our gay agenda directly to the people of this nation. We will go around the country forcing everyone to build floats for the next Gay Pride parade, which is tomorrow, and which will take place every day, in every town, on every street, until the second coming of Freddy Mercury.

In conclusion, very soon almost the entire world will be gay and any remaining straight people will have to migrate to Newt Gingrich's moon colony, the end. Also, we'll be taking over the moon pretty soon.