So Who is This "Lebron James" Person?

So there's been a lot of news lately about this gentleman Lebron James and how he was thinking about moving to another city from his home base of Cleveland. This media obsession is really weird and just begs the question: who is this "Lebron James" person? What has he done to deserve this much attention for what is essentially a personal decision? It's none of our business where he moves to! I decided to up and move to Japan one day a few years back--did I get a New York Times cover and a one-hour special on ESPN? (Answers: No and Yes.)

He has apparently decided to move to Miami, incidentally. And why wouldn't he? Miami is perfect. It's sunny, it's full of hot dudes in Speedos, it's the home of the Sound Machine. What more do you need? Cleveland's boring! Mr. James is probably desperate for more stuff to do out in the sun, better shopping, and easier visitations with Gloria Estefan.

Leave master Lebron alone! He's got a lot of packing to do.

Who the F**k is This Dr. Oz A**hole?

My job doesn't provide me with decent access to daytime teevee, so I'm a little slow on the uptake when it comes to new daytime television celebrities. I know Ellen, I know The View, I know Regis. God knows, we all know Oprah. (She's the one with the magazine.) But who is this goddamn Dr. Oz douchebag who can't ever wear normal civilian clothes? Did they take away his entire wardrobe once he became a surgeon?

I myself don't trust a man wearing OR scrubs on daytime television unless they are open to the navel. Because then you know that you're watching Days of Our Lives and that you are about to escape into the sylvan paradise of Dr. Mike Horton's manchest. (Is he still on that show? Haven't watched since the '80s.)

Dr. Oz, if you're going to try to sell me drugs, a lifestyle, a talk show, an exercise regimen, a raw-food diet, or whatever, you better at least have the decency to take that top off. Otherwise, I'm not listening.