Found: One Person on the Planet Who Had a Worse 4th of July Weekend Than Sarah Palin

This is great news. Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas got gored twice by a bull during a bullfight yesterday in Barcelona (his condition has been described as "grave," but he's alive, so get well, Jose!), proving that it is possible for a notable public personality to have a worse weekend than Sarah Palin. Sure, we had to leave the country to find one, but we've found one, and this means that Sarah Palin can still be president, hurrah!

World Premiere of My Experimental New Film: ''Stella in a Cone"

My cat Stella recently had surgery to remove a bulbous, beastly, and bubonic (yet somehow benign) cyst from behind her ear. Actually, it was no longer behind her ear--it was so gigantic that it was hanging off of her head, weighing down her ear, and looking like a freaking testicle. I had had it drained last year at the vet and the very next day it was inflated back up to full capacity. And it kept getting larger, threatening to eclipse her real head and start demanding its own food bowl.

Well, when we visited the vet last week to see if she had a urinary tract infection (she's been pissing on anything soft and precious lying around the apartment), I was appalled at how awful the thing looked under those florescent lights. I decided then and there to have the surgery to get it taken off, and I would just have to sell my dirty underwear on ebay to pay for it.

So now it's done, and Stella is so happy. She's walking with a new spring in her step and has half of her head shaved. (Just like me when I finally lost my virginity!)

But it wasn't all sweetness and light right off the bat. We went through a dark period just after returning from the vet when she refused to even look at me, so drugged up and filled with distrust was she. Sure, it was hard for her to look at me with that cone around her neck, but still, it stung.

This film is the story of our struggle, which lasted an afternoon (and into the evening). (Also, I was sick, which makes my persistence in the face of adversity that much more brave.)

Enjoy.

Harm and Devastation: Sarah Palin Resigns, NOOOOO!!

Both of you who follow this blog know that I am a big Sarah Palin fan. How could I not be, when she gave me her first on-the-record interview as Vice Presidential candidate of America? I'm loyal, y'all, and even though I hate her guts, I will stand by her in whatever decision she makes, even if that decision involves RESIGNING AS GOVERNOR OF ALASKA, boooooooooooh!!

It's the librul media what did it, course. (Has Michele Bachman's head exploded yet? Note to self: check on that.)

Join hands with me, folks, and let's travel down memory lane with the See Tim Blog anthology of manic autumn '08 Palin blogging. It'll be like one of those Golden Girls episodes when they just sit, eat cheesecake, and reminisce about their past antics so as not to have to come up with a new episode idea. A clip show, yes! Enjoy.

Jukebox: The Peanuts Gang vs. Belle and Sebastian

This is one of the most perfect youtubes ever made, and as you know, there are a lot of perfect youtubes. It is perfect because it brings together two things that 100% make sense when put together: the Peanuts gang dancing and a song by twee-as-f**k Scottish band Belle and Sebastian that could have been written by Schroeder.

This song, "There's Too Much Love," includes the most exhilarating string refrain of the '00s--the best one in fact, since Echo and the Bunnymen's "Silver," way back in '84, which I would link to a clip of if I could. (Really, youtube? No video of E and the BM's "Silver" featuring those awesome awesome strings? You offer every single season of Golden Girls--thanks, by the way--but no one in the known universe has even a dang audio clip of "Silver"? Do I have to do everything?)

Jesus God, anyway, the soaring strings on this B & S track, which come in at about the 1:28 mark, are so gorgeous it's enough to force a tear from this grown-up gay. Listen to this loud and just try to keep your eyes from welling up a little when lead singer Stuart Murdoch starts "ahhhh"ing faintly above the strings at 2:34.

According to New Report, Americans Still Reliably Fat, Entertaining

Our great nation just gets more and more lovable as the pounds pile on. It's official: 2/3 of us are officially obese or overweight or both, according to a new report released by Trust for America's Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF) and entitled, hilariously, F as in Fat: How Obesity Policies Are Failing in America 2009.

I think the title of this report is misleading—our nation's obesity policies seem to be working just fine, thank you.

Anyway, Mississippi is the fattest, which is shocking because shouldn't that distinction belong to West Virginia, which is only the third fattest? I'm a little saddened that my home state of North Carolina, located in the "upper south" region just below the skinny bitches in Virginia (#28), comes in at #12 on the list. I had much higher (and fatter) hopes for a place where there are Bojangles caijun chicken biscuits and pulled pork sandwiches on every street corner at very reasonable prices—and zero pedestrians.

Thankfully, as the subway graffiti above declares, fat people are entertaining, so there's a good chance we could all grin ourselves to death before succumbing to heart disease or diabetes complications. Much better to die with a smile on your face.