New Fun Thing: Teabonics

It just doesn't get old, does it, scrolling through pages of Tea Party protest photos full of signs scribbled in a red-hot grammar-killing rage? No, it doesn't. So here's a new repository for you east coast elites to snicker at all uppity-like.

Teabonics is American values. Time for Texas to writing another textbooks!

Ricky Martin is Finally Gay!

At long last, Ricky Martin is gay. I've been waiting for this day to come. It seems like just yesterday that Ricky was straight and singing duets with Madonna on his first American album or teaming up with Christian Aguilera. We all wanted him to be a big ole Mo, but what could we do? He obviously liked the ladies.

I remember buying La Vida Loca at my local Raleigh record store back in the terrible 1990s and staring in the face the judgmental hipster prick who rang me up, giving him a "yes, I am doing this, asshole" expression because, as impeccable as my taste in music usually is, I CAN NOT say no to a hot Puerto Rican guy wearing a tight sweater and singing at me. I just can't. (I also bought his previous album Vuelve, which is just as terrible/awesome, though less loca.)

Now that Ricky Martin is gay, he can do stuff like this



And this


And this


Y esto


freely without having to worry about the townspeople whispering about how gay he seems. Because the townspeople now know. No more whispering!

In conclusion, mor bch pcs, pls, Rck.

New Fun Thing: The Sixteenth Sistine Chapel

Folks, if you're anything like me, you never made it to Rome all those years ago when you were traveling around Europe because your friend's wallet was stolen in Florence and she ended up having to fly back to Prague, leaving you to go it alone with your enormous backpack full of diabetes supplies. You'd heard all the terrible stories about robberies and attacks against tourists in Rome and were sure paranoid about having your insulin and syringes pilfered and resold on the streets of Vatican City and being left to rely on the kindness of strangers and an array of johns for your insulin supply and blood glucose test strips.

So you didn't end up going to Rome and instead forced yourself on some folks you met at the hotel and went with them to Pisa, hmph. Not. A good. Decision. (For the scrapbooks.) So you never got to see Michelangelo's famous Sixteenth Sistine Chapel to see all the Biblical butts 'n thighs. Tragedy.

But now, thanks to modern technology and other junk science, you can visit the Chapel without even having to stop m-bating. Go to this site and git yerself some old time religion.

The AP Has Fun With Their Headlines

Sarah Palin is straight up sending mixed messages to her sheeple in the Tea Party: they should keeping standing but, in fact, they should probably shut up for the good of the movement. But what are they supposed to do while they're standing up? Protests are LONG! And should Sarah Palin also stand up but shut up?

We are all Sarah Palin today.

Odious/Awesome People: A Photo Essay You Tube!

Folks, these two Texans are not only obvious patriots, they are also deeply in love. The silver fox on the left is Rep. Randy Neugebauer, the hero who, for the sake of the country and freedom fries, yelled "baby killer" at Bart Stupak the other day in Congress. The hot momma on the right is his supportive wife Dana (known in Texas circles as Rapid-Eye-Movement McGee). In the wake of the kerfuffle over his announcement of Bart Stupak's new nickname, Neugebauer cut a campaign ad requesting money so he can continue to call people baby killers and whatnot, in Congress, on the taxpayers' dime, in Jesus' name.

In the ad he appears with lovable, twitchy Dana, and I'd like to officially endorse her for her husband's congressional seat and/or President right now. This is a woman who knows how to appear in a campaign ad. She's dynamic! Impassioned! Awake! Her husband should obviously never be let out of the house again unchaperoned, but her? Let her serve openly. Elect this woman and her beady eyes and cotton mouth. Freedom demands that she serve our great nation in some sort of official capacity. ALSO SHE NEEDS MORE COCAINE.

Now, some of the stills in the below campaign video I've made for Mrs. Dana might make you think that Lady Neugebauer has dead eyes. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Her eyes are alive like danger. She's sending coded messages with those things, messages that will be intercepted by all liberty-loving Americans in Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Draft Dana!