Because Why Not?

Learning a new language is hard. It really takes dedication. I think this woman shows promise.

Obama Gonna Kill Your Grandmomma (To Contain Costs, Momma)

Hey kids, have your parents forwarded you any emails in the past few days about how the new health care bill has a hidden euthanasia clause that will allow the federal government to line up all senior citizens over the age of 70 and force them to justify their decrepit old existences to Dear Leader Obama before being shot point blank in a televised bloodbath/ObamaCare fundraiser live on NBC? Mine have!

Yes, I got the ALL CAPS HYSTERICAL EMAIL FROM MY MOTHER SAYING THAT THIS IS TRUE AND IT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IF THIS BILL PASSES AND THE TRUTH NEEDS TO GET OUT OR OUR COUNTRY WILL BE DESTROYED AND WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOUR DAD AND HIS ALZHEIMERS?!!!!!

To which I of course responded, "So, how about that Sarah Palin?"

It reminded me of how exhausting it was last fall making sure every day that my mother wasn't dipping her toe into the Obama-is-a-half-breed-Muslin-and-Michelle-is-Angela-Davis crazypool again. So many visits to Snopes. So many forwarded articles debunking whatever shitbag of a story was being thrown against the wall that day. So many impassioned emails. And she still voted for McCain.

And now we have the Republicans on record saying that the Democratic health care bill will kill senior citizens because of a clause requiring MediCare to cover “end-of-life consultations” once every five years, more often if they have a life threatening illness. Per Talking Points Memo, "[t]hese consultations include 'an explanation by the practitioner of the continuum of end-of-life services and supports available, including palliative care and hospice, and benefits for such services and supports that are available under this title.'"

So for all of yous who aren't up-to-date with all the new math:

voluntary end of life consultation = why don't you just die already? Jesus.

Thankfully all of this will be fixed when Obama finally produces his birth certificate and clears everything up.

New Kinder, Gentler Death Star Introduced at Shanghai World Expo 2010

This is going to be great for China's image, especially in the wake of all that bothersome Tiananmen Square Massacre anniversary commemoration a few weeks back, during which the Communist Party had to constantly distract its huge populace by jamming the Internet with reruns of Saved by the Bell to remind everyone of the atrocities America has committed.

As you know, the last Death Star was way harsh, and what it did to Princess Leia's home planet of Alderaan is absolutely unforgivable. Its image suffered greatly and it was ultimately destroyed by Yoda or the Ewoks or something. But China is ready to turn the page on this shameful moment in our recent intergalactic history with its introduction of a new, pleasingly colorful and hypnotic Death Star, currently on display at the China Pavilion of the Shanghai World Expo exhibition being held in Beijing.

The Chinese government has promised that this new all-powerful sphere will not engage in the cold-blooded destruction of defenseless planets or harbor heavy breathing mushroom-headed evil jedi.

But it will be monitoring your Twitter and Facebook accounts, so be careful, nerds.

This Cat Should Be on the Internet

You know what the Internet needs more of? Cats. Specifically, this ginormous cat who holds down the fort at Bleecker Street Records.

And I do mean "holds down."

This Irritating, Cute Violinist Makes Me Want to Jerk Off, Throw Up, Cry

This guy. He's a piece of work. So cute. So talented. So smug. It's disgusting and wrong. The woman interviewing him clearly wants him to cut the crap and invite her onto his lap already. And he knows it, which is why he can't help but show off his lightening fast fingers on his stupid violin as she writhes in her chair.

But can he play "Chiquitita" on the viola with as much passion as I can? Probably.

The only consolation I can take from this profile of this annoying clown is that, judging from his feverish fingering, he probably give really awful handjobs. Thus, he's a failure as a human being and should be ashamed.

And I'm sure Connie Francis would much prefer my version of "Where the Boys Are." Connie loves an underdog.

Opposite Frog Marriage Under Attack?: Gay Frog Marriage Now Legal in India

This is a great day for gay amphibians everywhere. But whither the so-called "opposite" marriages of straight caeciliae, newts, and chameleons South African ghost frogs across the world? Aren't they now completely undermined?

The answer is no. Just because a homosexual tree frog, toad, or salamander is genetically predisposed to falling in love with another tree frog, toad, or salamander of the same gender doesn't mean that the ultimate expression of that love--marriage (and hot tree frog, toad, or salamander sex)-- should have any impact whatsoever on his straight brethren. Sometimes, you know, a butterfly flaps its wings in India and nothing else happens as a result in another part of the world! (Interesting aside: gay butterfly marriage has always been legal, everywhere, because there actually are no straight butterflies.) So in this case, two gay frogs in West Bengal get married. And somehow--somehow--the marriages of all the Appalachian trail's straight newts are still as strong as ever (unless, you know, one of them ends up in Argentina).

This would also be true of gay human marriage if it weren't for Leviticus.

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: Lifeguards on Broadway!

Ok, I know I posted camera phone pictures yesterday, but some things are ordained by God, like Sarah Parlin's vice presidential candidacy or Sarah Palin's resignation from office. So I have no choice but to post these pictures, on the direct order of Jesus.

You know how sometimes you are riding your bike down Broadway and somehow forget that you need to turn left on Bleecker Street, and instead you keep riding toward the awful intersection with Houston? And then you just go right through that intersection until you hit 600 Broadway, where the new Abercrombie and Fitch Hollister flagship store is getting ready to open? With hot promotional lifeguards out front to drum up excitement?

That, friends, is the story of my commute home last night. My camera verily flew out of my pants pocket and kind of embarrassed me for the next five minutes. But like I said, I had no choice.

My Camera Phone Will Not Be Denied: WarmUp Party at PS1, Long Island City

Hey, Philistines, PS1 is a contemporary art center in Queens, which obviously means there's a lot of vag on display on its hallowed walls. I attended the annual WarmUp party last Saturday after getting drunk enough at my pal's pre-party sangria-thon, and I found myself quite willing and able to shake a few tail feathers to dj Danny Wang and his patented "danceable brand of retro-mod-glitter-party-disco-house"--even though I hate house music! That's how open-minded I am when I'm borderline wasted, y'all. Plus, he played Sheila E., and you can get in trouble for not dancing to Sheila. (And so you should.)

Anyway, my camera phone was also there and was sober for the most part, so, as ever, it would not be denied (though it will likely get sued-? WARNING--a few of the pics below are of contemporary art, so they are obviously disgusting and NSFW).


You know it's a good dance party when at least one person is compelled to raise their arms while dancing.


Like I said, vag clearly on display here.


Katie Couric continues her reclamation of the coveted America's Sweetheart moniker.


That's a line from "Back on the Chain Gang", right? "I found a picture of you/Those were the happiest days of my life/Like a break in the battle was your part/I hope the Muslims win" Hmm. Doesn't sound right. Maybe "Brass in Pocket"?



A nice little bit of Reagan death/AIDS death juxtaposition.


The view from a room whose ceiling is a 2-foot-deep wading pool-type-thing.


The view from a room whose floor is a 2-foot-deep wading pool-type thing


My friend Ashia is a hella seksee supermodel, so this pose is completely natural for her.


Supermodel Ashia with her husband Alex, who is UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon's official food taster at the United Nations, a contemporary art center across the river that also has lots of vag on its walls.


My favorite piece in the entire place, due to my love of Roman butts and troop support.

Movie Poster Critique: Orphan

This movie poster tells a story, a story of a freakish evil witch-child who in just about a second is going to suck the soul right out of your nostrils. Oh it will happen. Better look away.

I'd say this poster is just about perfect. I want to see the movie. I want to know what this crazy dead-eyed brat of the damned named Esther is going to get up to. How many lives will she ruin? How many kindly old ladies will she torture? How many innocent children will she frame for murder? These are the serious questions that this movie poster poses.

The only thing I would change is the little catchphrase at the bottom--"Can you keep a secret?" That's pretty lame. I would delete that and insert "Her pigtails will eat you."

Found: One Person on the Planet Who Had a Worse 4th of July Weekend Than Sarah Palin

This is great news. Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas got gored twice by a bull during a bullfight yesterday in Barcelona (his condition has been described as "grave," but he's alive, so get well, Jose!), proving that it is possible for a notable public personality to have a worse weekend than Sarah Palin. Sure, we had to leave the country to find one, but we've found one, and this means that Sarah Palin can still be president, hurrah!

World Premiere of My Experimental New Film: ''Stella in a Cone"

My cat Stella recently had surgery to remove a bulbous, beastly, and bubonic (yet somehow benign) cyst from behind her ear. Actually, it was no longer behind her ear--it was so gigantic that it was hanging off of her head, weighing down her ear, and looking like a freaking testicle. I had had it drained last year at the vet and the very next day it was inflated back up to full capacity. And it kept getting larger, threatening to eclipse her real head and start demanding its own food bowl.

Well, when we visited the vet last week to see if she had a urinary tract infection (she's been pissing on anything soft and precious lying around the apartment), I was appalled at how awful the thing looked under those florescent lights. I decided then and there to have the surgery to get it taken off, and I would just have to sell my dirty underwear on ebay to pay for it.

So now it's done, and Stella is so happy. She's walking with a new spring in her step and has half of her head shaved. (Just like me when I finally lost my virginity!)

But it wasn't all sweetness and light right off the bat. We went through a dark period just after returning from the vet when she refused to even look at me, so drugged up and filled with distrust was she. Sure, it was hard for her to look at me with that cone around her neck, but still, it stung.

This film is the story of our struggle, which lasted an afternoon (and into the evening). (Also, I was sick, which makes my persistence in the face of adversity that much more brave.)

Enjoy.

Harm and Devastation: Sarah Palin Resigns, NOOOOO!!

Both of you who follow this blog know that I am a big Sarah Palin fan. How could I not be, when she gave me her first on-the-record interview as Vice Presidential candidate of America? I'm loyal, y'all, and even though I hate her guts, I will stand by her in whatever decision she makes, even if that decision involves RESIGNING AS GOVERNOR OF ALASKA, boooooooooooh!!

It's the librul media what did it, course. (Has Michele Bachman's head exploded yet? Note to self: check on that.)

Join hands with me, folks, and let's travel down memory lane with the See Tim Blog anthology of manic autumn '08 Palin blogging. It'll be like one of those Golden Girls episodes when they just sit, eat cheesecake, and reminisce about their past antics so as not to have to come up with a new episode idea. A clip show, yes! Enjoy.

Jukebox: The Peanuts Gang vs. Belle and Sebastian

This is one of the most perfect youtubes ever made, and as you know, there are a lot of perfect youtubes. It is perfect because it brings together two things that 100% make sense when put together: the Peanuts gang dancing and a song by twee-as-f**k Scottish band Belle and Sebastian that could have been written by Schroeder.

This song, "There's Too Much Love," includes the most exhilarating string refrain of the '00s--the best one in fact, since Echo and the Bunnymen's "Silver," way back in '84, which I would link to a clip of if I could. (Really, youtube? No video of E and the BM's "Silver" featuring those awesome awesome strings? You offer every single season of Golden Girls--thanks, by the way--but no one in the known universe has even a dang audio clip of "Silver"? Do I have to do everything?)

Jesus God, anyway, the soaring strings on this B & S track, which come in at about the 1:28 mark, are so gorgeous it's enough to force a tear from this grown-up gay. Listen to this loud and just try to keep your eyes from welling up a little when lead singer Stuart Murdoch starts "ahhhh"ing faintly above the strings at 2:34.

According to New Report, Americans Still Reliably Fat, Entertaining

Our great nation just gets more and more lovable as the pounds pile on. It's official: 2/3 of us are officially obese or overweight or both, according to a new report released by Trust for America's Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF) and entitled, hilariously, F as in Fat: How Obesity Policies Are Failing in America 2009.

I think the title of this report is misleading—our nation's obesity policies seem to be working just fine, thank you.

Anyway, Mississippi is the fattest, which is shocking because shouldn't that distinction belong to West Virginia, which is only the third fattest? I'm a little saddened that my home state of North Carolina, located in the "upper south" region just below the skinny bitches in Virginia (#28), comes in at #12 on the list. I had much higher (and fatter) hopes for a place where there are Bojangles caijun chicken biscuits and pulled pork sandwiches on every street corner at very reasonable prices—and zero pedestrians.

Thankfully, as the subway graffiti above declares, fat people are entertaining, so there's a good chance we could all grin ourselves to death before succumbing to heart disease or diabetes complications. Much better to die with a smile on your face.