Wednesday, April 14

Holy Shit Natalie from Facts of Life is in a Gay-Themed Movie!!

Dearest readers, everyone knows that American gay movies generally suck balls. It's just a fact. It's very strange, because the Mos are all OVER Hollywood making straight movies, but once it comes to making gay movies they make complete and utter shite. Why is that?

Yes, there are exceptions. Sure, in the history of American gay cinema, there have been movies that have not made me want to throw up all over my dildo: Milk, Torch Song Trilogy, Parting Glances, Longtime Companion, Jeffrey, Hedwig, The Boys in the Band, My Own Private Idaho. (Brokeback Mountain, as good as it was, doesn't count because even the dude that did makeup on that movie was straight.) But In and Out? Another Gay Movie? Trick? Shortbus? Adam and Steve? The Broken Hearts Club? These movies are hideous. (Sorry, Jack, Broken Hearts Club is the SUCK. But I love that you like it!)

In the terrible 90s I once rented a movie from the local Blockbuster called Lie Down with the Dogs and just about lost my eyesight from all the eyerolling I was forced to do. God, that movie was terrible.

ANYWAY. American gay movies by American gays are fucking weak. In general. (Unless they aren't, miraculously.) Which brings us to OH MY GOD NATALIE GREEN IS IN A GAY MOVIE I'M TOTALLY GONNA SEE IT WHO CARES IF IT SUX LOL OMG OMG!! The preview above already includes a few soon-to-be-classic quotes. ("I'm the oldest living fag hag." "I'm waiting behind the shrub." "What have you manifested?" "FUPA.") It's quite possible this is a DVD I will buy. Y'all.

For real, this movie looks kinda smart and sweet. I hope it relaunches Mindy Cohn's career, because George Clooney is NOT the only Facts of Life alumnus who deserves recognition. She's been gone too long and needs to do a cabaret show or some shit where she just sits on a stool and reads a series of Natalie's one-liners. ("From now on it's goodbye Natalie, hello Hotlips!")

In honor of the forthcoming release of this movie, which is apparently called Violet Tendencies, you should join me in watching my favorite ever episode of Facts, "Come Back to the Truck Stop, Natalie Green, Natalie Green" below.