Thursday, April 1

Oscar Mayer Will Kill Us All

Folks, we all know the horrible truth: the only thing keeping every one of us from sitting at our desks all day eating bacon and jerking off is that you have to cook bacon, which takes two hands. This is ultimately good for us, because bacon is terribly fattening and bad for your heart (though it is a GREAT lubricant). But now Oscar Mayer has gone and done the unthinkable: they've cooked the bacon for us! So now all we have to do is go pick it up at the shop, sit back down with a napkin stuffed in our shirt, and get down to business. This will ruin lives, lower productivity, and kill us all. (And how will Rush Limbaugh survive? The answer is: Obamacare.)

How long has this pre-cooked bacon been on the market? I never knew it existed. Sure, Jimmy does all the grocery shopping for us (he always wanted to be Barbara Billingsly when he grew up), but surely I would have seen commercials all over Fox News for this by now. (Fox News viewers never stop eating bacon.)

I'm hereby calling for a government takeover of all pre-cooked pork products. Come on, Barry/Reid/Pelosi, save us from ourselves.